Title

oh yeah...

2006-02-21T11:27:00.000-06:00

My mind's spinning so fast, the world is still

2006-01-27T18:09:00.000-06:00

I don't know what I want...
all I know for sure is my dream of being an architect...
a creative one at that
I wonder if there's a class on creativity?
lol
I'm definately lacking with that...

I feel nauseated...with myself, my life....

why am I the way I am?
Randy says I'm too old, and I am kind of, but what can I do?
I NEED to be responsible
who else will pay the bills?
yeah, I could go out more and drink and party and have fun and such,
but then would I be on time for work?
would I do a good job?
would I KEEP my job?
I just can't dismiss things the way he can
I have $600 rent to pay every month along with a $260 car payment
and an electric bill that is consistently above $100
then there's gas and such...
and I need to eat if I want to keep my massive belly....
so take 960 out of the 1150 I make a month and tell me how much room I have to wiggle when I still have groceries to buy, gas to put in my car, and other things to maintain?
I wish I could be as young as he...
He gets to have all the fun because he squanders his money on whatever the hell he feels like it and doesn't give a fuck about work...
If he did care about work and did better or got a better job, he could help out, stay fairly young (but out of middle school), and I could make a trip to the fountain of youth
I miss going to concerts
moshing
socializing
I find myself still feeling awkward though...
What am I missing that other people seem to have to connect with people and enjoy their company?
Why do I enjoy alone time so?

I went through my senior yearbook last night....
all it did was bring back every single emotion I felt when I was there and I hated every moment of it
I felt disgusted with the people that thought so highly of themselves (that other people did as well), depressed with how I was, reminded of all the remarks regarding my weight, hatred for all of humanity...there was no hope for me at that.........gateway to hell
I cried...
I saw how happy people can be with their ignorance..
why can't I?
I saw pictures of Cameron and of course missed him...
saw many pictures and quotes from Lauren Staples-the wise...
fucking whore
she was stupid, loved herself too much, ARRARGAGRRGAGRGARG!@!!!!
Just seeing her made me want to kill her
I used to just be irritated with her nature, but I think what makes me hate her now is simply the fact that she was Cameron's girlfriend at the time he killed himself
I can't help but try to blame her for not keeping him happy enough...
all of this made me want to cut again, but not...
and that makes me sick
that something that stupid would make me want to hurt myself
why not take it out on the world?

Maybe I should be alone...
Randy does a good job of that as it is
Why don't you all just take him?
fuck it
get one big house and have your fucking role plays every night
would you be happy?
I don't care
I'm tired of feeling neglected
That's all he cares about
he can't keep promises with me
he can't go to work on time
he can't do anything he sets out to do
except role play

I need to have a talk with him tonight....
I feel like I'm going to hurl...

goodbye.

Boy oh boy...

2005-12-01T08:22:00.000-06:00

If it weren't for my dad, I wouldn't have made it financially lately. He's had to give me quite a bit of money here and there....
But I'm making rent and everything on time...
Randy has moved in, all except for the bookcase of his where I don't know where we shall put, but oh well
We assembled the christmas tree last night
he's a good christmas tree poofer

I don't know what to say really

i'm quite aggravated at the fact that I can't register online like I had been planning
I was so stoked

Amazing news...
Linda the crazy supervisor who made my life a living hell has been fired for threatening our annoying and lazy third key
now if only we could make her go away, we'd have a wonderful workplace : )

anywhosit
maybe I'll really update later
this was merely a boredom post before I head to work

au revoir

ps....I wish Cameron was here to catch up with....

And to think...

2005-10-03T10:12:00.000-05:00

I don't know how I feel lately...good and bad, stressed, yet relaxed...
There have been quite a few things going on....when I look at them, I see more bad than good, but there definately are some good times thrown in there...
Randy and I are having more good than bad times lately...the bad comes maybe once a week...
We went to see Serenity with folks...

But to list some of the bad....
I'm having problems with money
am still $450 in debt to my dad
got 3 tickets
got written up at work
had to pay $367 to fix my tail laights in order to clear one of the tickets
have to get the registration renewed to fix another.... (and a 20% penalty fee)
turns out my car wasn't insured for a while there either
I got into a fender bender with a guy who's trying to rip me off
and the bad times with Randy can really get to be, well...bad

I dunno...
I just want to go to sleep until it all goes away
not like that's really possible
it would be nice though

I've been thinking...I always though of religion as a hand to hold for those who can't face life and accept that not everything is fair, that there isn't always going to be justice, and that there isn't really a plan for you, and when you die, you just....die

well...I need a hand to hold. I don't want it, but I feel like I'm starting to need it too
how sad...
reality has overwhelmed me

scratch that

2005-08-03T11:04:00.000-05:00

So here's what's been going on...
Randy, you were amazing for a while...
treated me like a queen as though you actually loved me
but then you meet some girl and instantly drop me like a bad habit (though you won't stop smoking)
you cheat on me with her
don't tell me
then lie to me when I found out
you made me out to be the bad guy to everyone including myself
I actually begged YOU for forgiveness the very next day after you got a hotel room to fuck the whore
why did I beg?
what would I get back?
a liar
a loser
a cheat
and a whore
you claimed I mistreated you
you neglected me
yelled at me
you even raped me once.....
and I STILL loved you
you abandoned me when I actually needed you, though I supported you for so long
then, I still gave you a place to stay when you needed it
I don't even know why, but it won't happen again
you may have gotten all that you ever even wanted, but you'll never have me again
I treated you too well
I spoiled you
I loved you
I supported you
and you hurt me

I never should have defended you
and I never should have believed you when you said you'd never hurt me or cheat on me
no wonder you were so paranoid about being cheated on....
it's because you do it yourself
how many others there were I don't know
nor do I care anymore

it's over
no more
no more love

goodbye

yes, well...

2005-07-29T05:39:00.000-05:00

I'm going to go pick up the keys to my apartment in....2 hours, then I have work till 6 or 7, then I'm loading up the truck
whoowhoo
I'm excited
I'll spend my first night there tonight
everything else is allright I suppose

haven't heard from Randy in a while...
oh well
not unusual

hello again

2005-07-09T23:06:00.000-05:00

I suppose a few things have happened...
I have started making payments on a 1990 BMW 735i...fully loaded
quite nice really
however, I still have yet to drive it when we got it a week and a half ago
things just keep setting back the time that I get it

I got declined for the apartment....twice
without and with a cosigner
after much searching, Randy's grandpa agreed to cosigner ( which was so nice of him), and so we took him there and around for the day...
the next morning I got a phone call pretty much saying he had less credit than me (through no fault of his own)
so....it went from thinking "that's it. I'm getting the apartment of my dreams and am moving in in two and a half weeks" to uh....."well, shit"
it was kinda nice getting to spend the day with randy's grandpa though
he seemed pretty cool
randy loves him a lot
and apparantly I made a good impression with him

but anyways....I'm back to searching again (though with a much smaller list than before)

Randy got a job at the Tom Thumb deli....I'm so excited!!! hehe
did I mention yet that I'm crazy madly in love with him?
no? well, I am
the sad thing though is that one day I'll be bawling my eyes out when he leaves my ass and looking back on these journals at the happiness that once was....
I know...it's happened
though I must say that though I've loved once before, it wasn't anywhere near this...
I want to marry him and have his babies
: )

I hardly hang out with the Flower Mound peeps anymore....Claire I haven't seen in ages (though that's just been because of misfortune), and Ryan moved to duncanville....
I've seen Shaye a couple of times recently as well as Tyler T.
big Tyler I haven't seen in ages. Kinda miss the kid....
I can't say I miss Levi's bitching though
and Everett and I have never really been that close (nor would I want to be nowadays)
Eric I've never really known much, but I hear many a good thing
and Kenny's a cool kid I dont' know too well, but I hope for that to change one day
does that about cover everyone?
if not, it's not because I never think about you....it's just that I'm not now
hehe

lovey dovey hoohaa

2005-06-15T21:10:00.000-05:00

ya know what?
I'm not creative or imaginative and I am just fine with that.
I have a very strategic mind and I like to think things through.
I'm not terribly spontaneous or romantic, but I show my affection through more practical ways.
I love Randy and he makes me kind of love myself.
No matter how many times I may so no to the compliments he gives me all the time, they've gotten through a bit and I actually appreciate it...
I need to say thank you for it, but that's just the next step...getting out of denial...
He's so adorable...especially when he's asleep...with Alfred
it's precious seeing him all curled up in a ball holding my one armed teddy bear sleeping so sound and peacefully by my side.
Things have been getting back to being better since he moved back in with his parents and I can't help but wonder if there's a connection.
I understand that there are certain stresses and issues that come up when you live with a person, but this way there's also the stress of not getting to see him or hear from him.
I miss being able to sleep in the same bed and coming home to him from work instead of having to make plans to go see him on a day off.
With any luck, we'll be able to keep our relationship as healthy as it is now when we're living together.
If only he could get a job.....I need a car, but I can't afford payments along with the apartment if I'm going to be there myself.
Hehe...His mom would hate me if he didn't marry me in a kilt, but....*sigh*
I love his family too....no matter how much trouble he has with them, his dad cracks me up and has saved my ass so much, and his mother and I get along really well and agree about a lot of every day things...
she's such a quirky woman
dressed in normal clothes in kind of earthy tones.....with her neon orange converses : D
mothers rock
most anyways
and Ray's a cool kid as well as Jake....
anyways....I'm done being sappy and happy simply thinking about that boy
I'll think about issues at hand such as the apartment and a car....

hmmm....Levi actually called the other day and wished us a happy birthday. that was so incredibly badass of him and made up for how he's been lately greatly....it was just so.....nice..
I hope he finds happiness

Time to Update

2005-06-12T22:20:00.000-05:00

Well what's the latest you ask? Well, this and that.
Let me just say that I'm madly in love with Randy. hehe
I got another job at the same mall as a "sales clerk" at a bed, bath, and linens store by the name of West Point Stevens getting (supposedly) $9.04 an hour full time, which is pretty pimp.
I'm trying to hold off on quitting at L'eggs Hanes Bali Playtex until I get my $40 dollar allowance on July 3rd. Paula's in a tough spot with summertime scheduling because of everybody wanting time off or as is the case with a couple of us, getting other full time jobs. So, she's decided to get pissed off and start scheduling 2-3 weeks in advance and leave it to us to stick to the schedule or have someone else cover our shift unless that would mean that person would be working more than 30 hours a week. This makes it quite difficult. Fucking Kristy took my idea....I was going to ask Nancy to cover my thursday shift since she wasn't working, and then she did it right in front of me so she could go to the movies with a friend. I don't know what to do....I supposedly can't be an employee there working under 10 hours a week, but that would mean me working there on my two days off from West Point Stevens. When will I ever see Randy, much less get my mental and physical rest? Yeah, yeah, I'm whining. Yeah, I know people do it all the time, and I've done it, but why stress myself?
I was looking forward to getting my first paycheck at West Point Stevens next week, along with my paycheck from L'eggs totaling to nearly $600 of money all to myself aside from the normal $50 I owe to my dad for insurance.
So much for that.
Just like every other time, when I start to look forward to having extra money, something horribly wrong happens.
I was looking forward to buying a new bedset and towels and such, getting an oil change and flush, putting down a deposit for an apartment and all kinds of things....
but then......I jacked up my car by being a retard. I don't want to hear any comments or lectures because I've already heard them all and I'm the one who has to face the consequences....
I drove my car way too long without getting an oil change AND I needed to simply put oil in my car. I was apparantly running on empty for a couple of days. I've all but thrown a rod and likely need an entirely new engine, or a new car. *sigh*
no good....
so now I'm in a bind for rides to and from work. Hopefully it'll get straightened out. We'll just have to see what happens.

Last night was interesting though. I had my dad come up to work to put in some oil because of the sound it was making and then I was going to drive it to Flower Mound (hoping it would make it) in hopes that Randy's dad could help solve the problem, but I of course didn't make it. We had to tow it 20 miles with little more than 5ft of twine which snapped 3 times, making it shorter and shorter each time. There was one absolutely hilarious moment at one point, but I'm sure it wouldn't be to somebody who wasn't there or couldn't see my gestures and animation.

Anyways....things are going good and bad. Though I may be in a bad spot for the time being, it'll get better soon enough seeing how I'm now going to be getting a decent amount of money to be able to afford getting whatever I need for transportation. Who knows...maybe I'll just put in my two weeks over at L'eggs.

Well, off I go
toodloo

2005-04-24T17:49:00.000-05:00

So. The times are changing, and so are the people.
Everybody seems to be making themselves over with somebody else...
Shaye has become more independent, freeing herself of the pain she feels in Everett's absense, and Everett seems to be becoming the college idiot everybody expects of a boy his age.
I am becoming a retard myself....neglecting schoolwork...
hmm
I need a new job
I went from like 30 hours to 13, and they're bound to get cut more...
I do a good job here, and people like me nowadays, but guh. I can't pay for the things I need to pay for with those hours.
School will be out soon, and I'll have more freetime to work, but I don't know that I really want to.
My grandpa out in Denver is on my mind, along with other members of my family out that way. I'd love to see him. Then there's my sister in West Virginia. I can't afford these things...

Oh yes, and I wrecked my car. I'm absoltely brilliant. I rear-ended a mercedes, so I'm a little bit of fucked. oh well....I'm alive as well as Randy
suppose that's all that matters......
yay...I ate today, and it felt great....

my dad's staying with Melissa afterall. No move in back together at the end of the lease.....
so he's willing to pay me up to $200 a month and continue paying my cell phone as well as keeping me on his insurance so my rates aren't too crazy.....I'll likely move in with Josh, but that can't be permanent.
I need my furniture.....
Dad's willing to pretty much fully furnish any place I do end up staying, however $200 a month isn't enough for rent AND utilities....doesn't matter HOW many roomates I have
I'm already having difficulty paying for insurance, gas, and groceries....
oh wait! that was just because I was paying him back so much for goingo ver on my cell phone
and if I found a job that paid more/more hours, I could afford it with a roomate....
a cheap place anyways
I'd like to stay in Plano or Richardson
I've found a couple places that seemed nice enough for a decent price

bah
I'm bored with this
peace

I know I know

2005-02-04T01:05:00.000-06:00

it's been ages...
but I feel inspired to write an entry

my friends came to see me last night and it made me feel absolutely incredible
I'm kinda tearing up just thinking about it
something unfortunate went down between Melissa and I last night, and Randy called everyone to find a ride and the next thing I know, Randy, Tyler, Levi, and my dearest Shaye were on their way in attempts to whisk me away back to Flower Mound
*sigh*
I was beginning to think that nobody really cared....
and that was an amazing reminder that I'm not a nobody

thank you all

*muah*

damnit

2005-01-01T01:08:00.000-06:00

I hate myself for the people I hurt
the good people I hurt...
they deserve better...

and by the way
happy new year?

benign

2004-12-30T18:07:00.000-06:00

I'm overjoyed at the news of Marianne being cancer-free
I was actually fighting back tears all day about it...
she had her biopsy today and now she's all drugged up
but still in much pain
gah
so painful
and goo...........

anyways...
last night was ok
we were gonna all go see a movie (and what happened to Claire?), but then that kinda got dismissed when there was nothing good to see really
it was ok...
I was kinda bored really
and Randy got upset with me about something
and it made me feel bad
but making me feel worse didn't help it really...

so Levi, Randy, Ihna, and I all went to TJ's house without TJ being there to hang out with Tom
that was ok-ish
the guy really is a perv
not even a closet perv
just a perv
perv perv perv
let's see how many times I can say that word
then James Sheerer (somethin like that) and the mullet guy and TJ came back, and there was boredom, awkwardness, so we all went out to chill for a bit (Chelsea had come earlier as well), then headed home after peeling myself away from this adorable little kitty

went to Levi's...
I kept saying I wasn't sleeping there cause I had work at noon today, but I fell asleep anyways
then in the morning, I actually woke up around 9:30, but then Randy wouldn't let me leave....
I think I left around 10:45-ish
I made it on time
boo-yeah

grrrr
my dad got a flatscreen for the computer
MY computer
yes, this is actually my computer out here in the livingroom
the one that was supposed to be in my room by August
the one that was supposed to have lightwave on it
and this should be MY flatscreen
now I wonder if I'll ever get either
and if I get the computer, if he'll give me the monitor since the girls use it...
he said he'd get me one...
I dunno
I'm just feeling grr about it
I know we hit some financial rough spots which made it hard to be able to get a desk in my room, but now I don't even know that he'd let me if I even got a desk
just cause the girls use it...
they have their own computers and monitors
it's just that they suck
and this was supposed to me my souped up computer for playing with animations and photoshop and autocad when that came into play
and what's even better about this is that now my journal entries are NICE AND BIG for people to see...
Cynthia's behind me in the kitchen
YA SEE THIS??
guh
nosey beeyatch
I'm outty

Denim vs. Wool

2004-12-29T02:17:00.000-06:00

Bah. i've been torn lately. So many things run through my head that I can never seem to stop and focus on any one of them...until tonight. Just sitting here lstening to my msic gave me the chance to mellow out and really thinkg. I don't really know who I am, nor do I think I ever truly did. From my door hands two jackets; one charcoal grey wool pettycoat and a denim jacket. Which represents me? I look like I'm in my mid twenties when I'm only 18. I'm already beginning to feel...old. I no longer wear my button-up shirts and slacks primarily to work, but all the time now. Part of me is feeling obligated to face reality and grow up while the other's on the floor crying over not getting a candy bar saying, "Fuck this! I'm a hardcore badass and always will be!" minus me truly being hardcore....or a badass..much less a hardcore badass. I feel like the damned Ataris, whining about their childhood endlessly. I still havent found myself...just a cramp in my hand from writing about my many confusions and frustrations. I've always admired those with their own style. I'm so mainstream. Goth is sexy, but boring (lack of variation), and high maintenance, then there emo, which is just sily for me, or punk, which is fucking badass, but I'm not a hardcore person. Besides, it too is high maintenance in my opinion. Then preppy and diva I've always loathed. I'm dull. Maybe I'm just boring and conservative. Perhaps it's my destiny to die without being noticed for anything by anyone. Wouldn't that be lovely? I just feel so out of the loop. Do I not have a calling?
I give up
*waves white flag*
take me corporate white America
I'm yours
I'll even take all the shit off my walls and make my room overall a little more bland for ya
but I get to keep the gauged ears...

*sighs*

I miss my night walks with Claire. Those were the best. We couldn't spend a couple hours just going to the gas station cause we'd stop to talk. Then there were our wilderness excursions. I can't even remember how many times we got stopped by cops anymore. Stupid nosies. Those were great though and I miss them horrible. Claire's such an odd bird. She's most certainly unique. She doesn't care what people thin of her and she's so curious, confident, and outgoing. I dunno...she's just interesting and does some strange things. I've always been kinda jealous, but she's an awesome friend to have.

Levi and I started getting closer the past year. I'm not sure what happened. We just saw a lot of each other then started hanging out. It's ridiculous how much we can talk. I think since we started, it's gone down a bit, which is a bummer. He and I too, would go to the gas station for cream sofas as an excuse to hang out and talk. Poor guy...he's got some problems with life being unkind to him. Soemtimes I think he's angry, though he doesn't know what about, so he takes out that frustration on something else (such as his past hate for cigarettes). I don't think Rachit would be at all surprised at our status. He always was kinda jealous of our closeness.

I do miss him though...
the embarassingly goofy faces he made when he played or tried to sing
his honesty and openess
his smile
his stubble...hehe
exfoliation...

*sighs*
Poor Marianne.
She called the store crying this evening with some definately not good news.
She's been looking forward to going to see someone she gets to see once a year and is in love with in Michigan tomorrow, but that got ruined.
The past few days she's been complaining about pains in her chest at her ribs beneath her left boozie. She said sometimes it even spread as far as her right arm...
Today when we went to get it checked out, it turns out she's got a HUGE tumor that stretches throughout her whole chest and around her shoulders and right arm...
They're operating tomorrow
She cried and cried
I don't blame her
I hope she's ok
Amber wasn't too compassionate though
she's her best friend and she hardly acted like she gave a shit...
that kinda struck Paula and I as odd and cold
anyways...I hope it turns out ok for her
she's so sweet

I'm calling it a night
au revoir

and be sure to vote for Pedro

the door to my empty heart

2004-12-19T23:31:00.000-06:00

things haven't been so great in the Gartner-Demmster-Fuller household
they're back together...
he's getting tired of me
as of Wednesday, I got my first threat to be kicked out
FUCK THAT
over a messy room?
MY messy room?
I fucked up 10 months of change that night...
same thing happened tonight
same fight
same threat
he'd kick me out and take my car
apparantly that's what'll happen if my room isn't "clean" by tonight

I guess last night was fun though...
got to see Paul in a thong again
missed that...
Rachit pretty much ignored me
chatted it up with Claire though
thanks asshole

Friday was........eh
I didn't appreciate people trying to force me to play a game I wasn't interested in playing
I was just in a crummy/stressed out mood
so much so that I chose not to go to a concert I've been looking forward to because it was the last concert of a band I love....
and then I get Josh jumping down my fucking throat
"why do you have to be so difficult? why can't you just conform?"
because I DON'T WANNA

I have a lot more to say, but I'm really not up to talking anymore....I think I feel sick...

I cry too much nowadays...

these tears never dry

2004-12-12T01:58:00.000-06:00

so....I can't say I'm in the best mood in the world
I'm still frustrated with my homelife and I miss Flower Mound so much already
*sobs*
it's times like these especially that make me wish I was there to call up a friend and go for a walk...
but no...I sit here and wallow in my own misery, which isn't a good thing with my past record of handling this....

does my dad hate me now that I was the one that ruined what he was still wanting?
I got in a heated discussion with him that really wasn't just all about my razor and such...just my own frustrations with this hiding behind something else

it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
...
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
razor?
Marc says:
i'll find it tomorrow..
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
find?
Marc says:
i don't know where it is.. so i'll find it
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
why don't you ask her?
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
cause I've tried finding it too
Marc says:
that's what i may do
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
she shouldn't be taking my things
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
no matter what.
Marc says:
m pointed out that where the razor was, also is where the girls had to put their legs when they showered if the propped them up. she wasn't comfortable with a 3blade razor around the girls.
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
well ya know what? she can bring it up with ME before taking my things
Marc says:
well.. that's a little late, i think the hint was by putting back
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
no
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
that was no hint
Marc says:
not to you...
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
they're anal regardless
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
they won't even allow soap on a soapdish
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
so why should I randomly ASSUME that was the reason instead of them just being a pain?
Marc says:
well, it's not an issue now is it... now that it fell off
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
no, it's not because I rolled over for that one and got liquid soap
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
but I won't bend over and take it for everything
Marc says:
you're not being maltreated... just not the way you want
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
I'm being treated like I'm not a person who actually lives here with them
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
I'm not going to change all of my ways for people I can't even STAND
Marc says:
keep in perspective, putting a rzor on a shelf is not a major "sacrifice", just an accomodation to reality, more than one person is sharing the bathroom.
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
I DID have it on the shelf originally...it's just the fact that if I do leave something somewhere, I'll normally move it, but I don't want somebody concerning themselves with where my stuff goes
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
this was cynthia moving it
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
she didn't have to prop HER leg up there
Marc says:
no.. but the girls do, and she thought putting it away was being helpful
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
did SHE say this?
Marc says:
melissa told me
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
moving it 7 times a day was being "helpful?"
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
without asking me about it even once?
Marc says:
putting it back is...?
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
no, she was going in the bathroom 7 times a day to put it back
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
at least that was the count on Tuesday
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
before she TOOK it
Marc says:
so you were putting it back on the ledge, without even using it? unless you shave 7 times a day, even wolfman isn't that fuzzy
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
I was putting back something of mine
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
if somebody had a problem with it being there, they could have said something
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
and I would have brought it up and it would have been settled...but you didn't want me to.............
Marc says:
they thought it easier just to put it away
Marc says:
so now you know the basis of the concern about leaving it out, it's not an intrusion on your space, just keeping a razor out of the way
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
why the hell can't they just come to me directly for once?
Marc says:
because you come off hostile
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
AND THEY DON'T??
Marc says:
you have made it clear you don't want to be here
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
that's cause I DON'T
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
they are awful people who treat people like shit and don't deserve to procreate!!!!~
Marc says:
well you're getting your wish
Marc says:
enjpoy
Marc says:
and i will ask to tone it down a notch to me
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
resent me if you want about it being "my fault" for us moving
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
I don't care
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
she was LOOKING for an excuse
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
and by the way, it was ME who bought that sour cream in the first place
Marc says:
i don't resent, it was inevitable on it's on merits
Marc says:
own merits
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
did you still want to marry her?
Marc says:
it's no longer relevant... we're not getting married
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
did you want to marry her.
Marc says:
yes..
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
but why????
Marc says:
i'm in love with her
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
are you in love with HER, or what you think/wish she was/is?
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
cause it looks and seems so much like the case was with mom
Marc says:
let's not go there.... it's a discusion i'm not in the mood for, not to you... but to myself.
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
I'm sorry, but I'm tired of worrying about you falling into the same trap and wasting your time, only to have your heart broken again
Marc says:
i do appreciate that, and understand, but now's not the time to analyze it, it's late tonight. but i was making my own observations already... i do try to learn from my past
Marc says:
i may be 42, but i still want what others want, someone to love them as they want to love in return.... maybe this didn't work, i won't quit looking though
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
I know...but I'd hate for you to marry her and realize years later what kind of person she is
Marc says:
it wouldn't have taken years... it was already showing, that's why i said it was fading on it's own merits. i was seeing obstacles to success to be resolved before a wedding, but i was willing to try to resolve them, not ignore them. that recipe doesn't work as well i proved
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
yeah, but I'd hate for you to resent me to ruining what could have been
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
for*
Marc says:
no, i don't... thought the timing could have been better... oh well..
Marc says:
this started brewing the end of Sept... so i've been making my observations at least since then
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
what's been brewing?
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
she and I bickering?
Marc says:
no, her and i moving apart
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
ah
Marc says:
not as in household, be relationship
it's not so much that I want to "kill" her...I just don't want her to be living anymore... says:
yeah

bah....I feel bad that he was actually right about some of those things and I've been wrong and selfish
but I just can't admit that him siding with someone I hate some passionately is justified...
maybe I'm no better than her
it sickens me to say that....

so I'm wondering?
what's love?
is it an irrational emotion that's purely lust, and with age, it fades?
or is it just a rational, scientific compatability of entertainment and support between two people?
has it become a scientific thing...

last night wasn't the greatest....
oh well

I need rest
long cries do that to you....

goodnight

it's a beautiful night for bein lonely

2004-12-08T23:11:00.000-06:00

well I got what I asked for
without the release....

I can't say it's been the most wonderful day in the world
the best part I'd have to say would be when I was asleep
the rest has been downhill from there

let's see....I fell asleep working on my paper (didn't get far though), so I barely woke up in time to go to class, and on the way there, I stepped real deep in a muddle puddle...
...in flip flops...
I see that as an omen
then I've been dying all day to know what happened between Melissa and my dad last night
they talked for ages
and something told me a lot was about me....

I just have to say that I HATE THEM
THEY ARE GOING TO ROT IN HELL
I just can't even express my anger adequately right now
I just want to decapitate them....
not even with an axe or sword, but maybe more like a pocket knife
Cynthia and Melissa treat the girls so horribly...
earlier tonight, I just wanted to barg in with a machetti and hack Melissa to bits
people like them shouldn't be allowed to have children
not just have children, but keep them, raise them, babysit them
Melissa doesn't even understand kids
she never had siblings and never babysat
she's newer to it than me
stupid bizzatch is failing miserably too

so anyways...
I'm finished
well, not really, but I don't give a shit

so I took the day off so I would get the chance to talk to my dad and work on my paper...
turns out I didn't work on it, and he didn't get home anyways till after I would have been back home from work
he told me what happened
it was all my fault
he's pretty upset
and the fact that he agrees with it makes it all that much worse
I just feel like I'm hated by everyone here and I want to run away from them all
I love my dad to death, but him siding with her hurt...A LOT
so the "last straw" was the note I left with the sour cream the night before
you see, they keep putting back empty things...
empty chip bags, empty soda bottles, empty butter boxes...
it's irritating
so I'm going to have chili that night, open the frig, grab the sour cream, and it's empty
so I left it on the counter with a note (I was pissed about my damned razor too) saying, "this was empty. don't put back empty containers."
yep
that was it
that was the last straw
I was "out of line"
that's what my dad said
according to them, since I don't pay bills, buy groceries, cook, or clean, I get no say in ANYTHING
NOT A DAMNED THING
and the razor?
when my dad gets it back, I have to put it wherever they tell me
I have to bend over and take it up the ass by two fat fucking BITCHES
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHH
I'm angry
I bend over to NOBODY

asd'
damnit
I just beat up the computer
I need to beat one of them up before I'll be satisfied

who the fuck are they to tell me what to do?
nobody
they're nothings
nobodies
maybe that's why they're no mean
maybe cynthia knows she's an old hag who nobody loves
and melissa knows she's got no good days past high school ahead of her
they're losers
and don't deserve love or even life
with their life, other lives are effected
heaven forbid anybody else get to know them
meet them even

fuck it
goodnight

34 hours=big check

2004-12-04T19:57:00.000-06:00

I got a good paycheck this time...and the next should be even better since I worked 34 hours this week

last night had good and bad things
more bad than good, but oh well
first of all, I had to open for work, which was early, and I was pooped and such, so I did that and they didn't let me go until 3
first I was going to work till 2
then they rescheduled for 2:30
then they held me over another half an hour
all I can say is that it's a good thing I decided to leave my house because of Cynthia to cash my check before work
that woman was pissing me off, but we'll get to that after my previous rant
so, I had 45 minutes to copy my music out of the book for Adam and myself, then get to the school, park, find where we met and such..
and I made it just in time
JUST in time
booyah
then the rehearsal went great
fantabulous
then we had to meet back at 6:20, but I was thinking it was 6, and I was dying to get a salad, but didn't think I had the time
by the time I did get to eat after the concert last night, I hadn't eaten since Wednesday and I was a hungry hungry hippo
but yeah...so I rush out, then looked at the time, had to turn back before getting anywhere, only to find out that I really had an hour more than I though
oh well...
so I just practiced with some of the fellas in guitar II
they're a hoot : D
yes...then the concert
one of the guys who was even at the rehearsal bailed from playing at the concert
he said he'd be back....
then we played
and I died
or at least I wish I had
I screwed up SO BADLY on things I hadn't before
that, and my B and G strings were so flat it was disgusting
I actually tried to fake playing the notes on those strings for some of the songs, but for the trio, it was just....*puke*
I knew at least Levi was there, and didn't even want to see him after the show I was so upset
one guy who lent me his foot stand kinda cheered me up though
not too much...but enough to prevent tears
that's good, right?
but yeah...he said we rocked so hard playing the slowest rendition of Joy to World he'd ever heard that he wanted to set himself on fire
lol
anyways
so who came...
Levi and Ryan
tis all
I was both relieved that people didn't see me suck, but still kinda upset...
I dunno
some I understood, like Everett and Kelly and such, but some were just lazy or figured doing the same thing as every week would be more fun than supporting a friend
the lazy award goes to...TYLER!
: (
I'm really glad Sarah didn't go though
I don't think I like her
I don't like saying that, but it's the truth
she seems to bring out the worst in people, especially myself, and every time I'm around her, I feel worse about myself than normal
that can't be good..
and she's just insulting
I can just imagine her actually making fun of me for my performance and wouldn't be surprised
she's just that kind of person
plus...she's a bad influence and uses people
I can't say I like that Levi spends so much time with her cause I truly don't want him doing bad things....
it's just not like him

anyways
Cynthia, yes?
she's still buggin me of course
she was getting onto me about not taking enough classes and not working enough and blah blah blah
next semester I'm signed up for 10 credit hours
sure, it's only two days out of the week, but who cares?
it's from 8:30-3:45
most kids who go to a university who have that many credit hours have longer classes more often, so it seems like they're taking more classes, so she was pissing me off about that
"I bet most of your friends aren't only taking classes two days out of the week! I bet they're taking them every day!"
yeah??
WELL YOU'RE WRONG
not MOST of my friends are thank you
and those that are, DON'T HAVE JOBS
so fuck her
she was being all sarcastic like "oh yeeeaaahhh...this semester must have been REAL rough on you with your TWO CLASSES"
yeah...TWO CLASSES and YOUR ROTTING ASS
I'm finished
that's what motivated me to go get my check
just leaving the house...

what else..
yeah
not too much
I hope Ryan did ok at work today
I felt awful for keeping him out so late

I might be heading into town tonight...if somebody calls me back...

noteworthy events

2004-11-28T23:11:00.000-06:00

long time, no write
in this blog anyways...

I guess some noteworthy things have happened in the past...week and a half

let's see...
Levi asked me on a dizzate
started acting possessive last friday because of Randy and I acting flirtatous
then hung out late Friday night till morning...
that was definately interesting
and after getting to know a side of him he never really shows, I like him a lot more

friday night, Melissa freaked out about some stuff (truly out of nowhere)
then I ended up storming out and going to Flower Mound
and she handed back the ring
we were planning on moving out after that, but they made up
they're no longer engaged, but we're not moving
and dad's continuing to put more of our stuff in storage and putting theirs in the garage in case we do end up moving
plus, he's still going to ask Kathy if we can live with her for a short while before finding a place just in case they break up for good next time
he told me a lot of stuff
and he does like her, but finally admitted she's loco

things got weird with Josh, Claire, and Levi Friday night too...

I have my concert this upcoming Friday...
it'd be greatness if my frizzends from the Flowerplex would come
pssst
Ryan has the fliers if you're interested

I'm still working a lot....my next day off is wednesday
I'll probably spend that whole day writing my paper or something
Amber (the bizzatch) might end up being my assistant manager soon
in which case I'm going to look at becoming a bank teller
no thank you Amber
I've been killing her with kindness, so it hasn't been bad, but if she's given the authority to yell at me, I'm leaving
a woman threw a pair of socks at my face today...
that wasn't very nice
but oh well
they were soft and oh so fluffy

registration for next semester starts tuesday...
I really need to decide how I want to do this
bah!

I really don't know what else to say
peace out peeps

loser says what?

2004-11-17T11:11:00.000-06:00

yeah, take that!!!
mwahahahaha

anyways...
busy busy busy
wanna hear something lame?
I can't even make it to 12:30 anymore...
I'm out like a light yo
but that's also probably because I have nothing to stimulate my BRAIN!

in other news...
I'll beeeeee in town all Friday with the Levster
that's right, the Levster
then I'll be at the Friday thing

then saturday...saturday was going to be a nice lounge day, but Adam and Matt want to get together to practice at like 11am...
11am!!!!
BAH!
madness I tell you

then I volunteered to usher at a concert thingy that night for my teacher.
why?
WHY did I do that??
I didn't really want to, but she needed three volunteers and nobody would, except Amy...
so I gave
now I don't know what to wear
it has to be all black
I have black pants
and a frilly chiffon black blouse
but both need to be dry cleaned
and will they work together I wonder...
sheesh
it is early enough to cancel
I just might do that
cause...damnit
it's at SMU too
I don't know where that is!
"at the fountain in the lobby"
oh wait...it is extra credit
but why would I need extra credit?
I've gotten all A's in there

speaking of A's...
that's what I still have in history
even after the test
woohoo!!!
everyone freaked that I got a B+
mwahaha
yes, be envious
: P

Jon emailed me again
that's pretty cool
I find it interesting that he's trying harder to be friends with me than Rachit is
lol
no, I still haven't talked to him
his loss
: D

I'm babbling
if you saw how fast I was typing this, you'd be all like "whoa dude"
yeah
that's right
"whoa dude"
I don't care who you are
or what language you speak
you'd say "whoa dude"

so Shaye...girls night out the night before Thanksgiving with the Claireness and I?

I'm still in search for a tofurkey
where might I find one of those (already made)?

a certain friend is being weird...and I don't know what to do about that...
I ought to talk to someone...or not

I'm in pigtails!!!
*apiffanee*
(I chose to spell that phonetically)
MAYBE THAT'S WHY I'M BABBLING!!!
IT'S THE PIGTAILS!!
word.

so Erica, how are you?
I'm GRRRRRREAT!!
too many frosted flakes..
oh but wait, I haven't had those in ages...
I knew I was a feline at heart

the tracker doesn't have any leaks anymore!!!
BOOYEAH!!
so my mini bed is still dry, which is pimpness
that thing came in handy on saturday night
I got home a little before 4 and was locked out
AGAIN!!!!
WHY MUST THEY LOCK THE TOP LOCK!!!!????
so it was in the 40's...and I was curled up in a ball in my tracker, trying to sleep
I froze my ass off
no really...it's still in the back of the car
just to let you know...
can't say I didn't warn you

I tell ya, if I had known about that, I so would've stayed at Ryan's or Levi's
Levi's lap is a comfy place

there's a new woman at the store who hasn't worked since she was in high school (she's 50), and yet she's getting 21 hours a week...
I'm getting 13.5!!
I need to ask Paula for more
that's not gonna cut it

Mike's dropped off the face of the planet
WHERE ARE YOU??

that's all
byebye

my poor feet, my soul...

2004-11-12T23:11:00.000-06:00

my feet are in so much pain....
I considered calling in to have someone cover my shift today, but I just couldn't bring myself to do that.
Work's going fine
I found myself babbling on an on to Marianne tonight out of sheer boredom
poor dear...
she must've wanted to scream
lol
she is so darned nice
it was just the two of us till close tonight
to look at her, I would never guess her to be a smoker
I think she took 3 smoke breaks between 6 and 9
lol
I got an angry customer....
it made me feel awful
she and her daughter and grandson (wee little thing...and was he adorable!!) were shopping for bras and whatnot, and we helped them a lot
we gave her a fitting and brought her maybe a dozen or more bras to try on (boxed and hung up), and she got one...
boy, putting the rest away took forever
well...when they went to check out, I was thinking they were doing a separate purchase since the bra she was getting wasn't on the counter, so I didn't punch it in the register that she had gotten a fitting (we have a goal we're supposed to try to make), and then she added the bra on after I had done the total
bah...so she wrote the check for it and everything and I noticed something else on the counter, but since we had so much other junk (last minute buy type goodies), I hadn't caught it...
boy, she was PISSED
the quiet mumbling pissed too...
I felt terrible
she ended up not getting it "even though she really needed it"
and stormed out
damn, she was angry
but she was like that the whole time she was there...yelling at her grandson
he was so cute!!!

anyways...
what else is new?
I got the tracker yesterday morning
it cost over $1000
my dad had to borrow the money from his dad...

because he borrowed the money, I managed to get an outfit for the heart ball, which was last night (hence the reason why I considered not going to work today)
the shopping experience wasn't exactly fun, but when is it ever?
it just made it worse that it was with Melissa
I'm sorry to say this (or maybe I'm not), but she's got icky, ICKY taste in clothes...
yes, I have started to shop at Lane Bryant
I'm so ashamed...
but why is so much of the stuff at those places crazy colored and wild (enough to cause someone to go into epileptic seizure)
it's something about half of grandmothers wear...
is it really NECESSARY to make yourself even more noticeable because you're a plus size?
"hey, not only am I fat, but I'm stupid too!"
it's just...icky
though I'll admit, I've found some really good stuff at lane bryant...just of the stuff is highly questionable...
and everything that I would find questionable, Melissa has.
so we went shopping...and by the time we were in the first store dressing room, I was fuming
I was actually shaking with fury
she was really insulting with anything I wanted to try on or did try on
and even my dad hasn't been one to flat out say I can't get something...he'll just suggest otherwise
no.
she was telling me what I could or could not get
I don't think so
I'm not your 10-13 year old daughter
hell, I'm not your daughter at all
that pissed me off...
and everything I liked, she said made me look fat, or flat chested, or wasn't "elegant" enough
by the end of the night, the words "elegant" and "class" made me twitch
he even made me try on Melissa's SEQUIN shirt....ok..
she's definately significantly bigger than me in the torso area
and sequins??? *puke*
I have always laughed at anything sequin
they're a joke
my dad said he liked the shirt because it "dazzled"
it had shoulder pads too!!!
I'm stocky enough thank you!!!
I don't really need any assistance to look like a football player
he wanted me to wear it
the thought made me cry (along with other frustrations)
she was saying I'm impossible
I'm not impossible...I just don't like to wear ugly things, thank you very much
she and my dad INSISTED I wore black pantyhose because of the occasion, which I said was ridiculous
I knew very few people would be wearing them, and I was right
but because they made me do that, I couldn't get an open toed shoe like I wanted (I don't like closed toe heels, and my feet are so wide that they don't like them either)
so I ended up having to compromise with some ugly semi-pointed shoes...
when I got to the ball, I saw that pretty much everyone was bare-legged, so I took them off
dad wasn't thrilled, but oh well
in his attempt to change my mind, he made fun of my legs
how not nice is that?
if I'm more comfortable with that, them why be low?
I disregarded it because for once I was okay with showing my legs (in comparison to black pantyhose), but grrr
shoe shopping was tough and we didn't even finish shopping until an hour before we had to leave
talk about cutting it close!

onto the ball...
it was perdiful
I prefer it when it's dark because it feels more comfortable, but oh well
afterall, it was a mall
the galleria did a wonderful job with their remodeling
the theme was renaissance for the occasion
there were performers in costumes playing harps
there were quartets
gourmet food everywhere
live entertainment upstairs
living greek statues
guys in crazy costumes in stilts (undescribable)
ice skaters...
it was greatness
the casino was crazy packed too
Kathy's brother was there and talked to me for a long time
at the end of the night he gave me his number and told me to call him if I'm ever in Austin so we could go grab some dinner
a 32 year old (cutie) was hitting on me too
lol
so many people thought I was in my mid 20's
I've been mistaken for my dad's wife too many times
it's gross
I look older than what I am and he looks younger, so they assume he's my 10 year senior husband
by the end of the night, there were blisters on every spot of my foot: bottom, top, heel...
oi
it was fun though
oh, and claire, the creepy mickey mouse guy was there again!
bah!
lol

Rachit upset me Wednesday night
I just don't appreciate his insensitivity
yes, I'm trying to get over it
but it doesn't help when he's flaunting his happiness without me
he called me and hardly said anything but meeting a girl, getting her numer, and is calling her to ask her on a date
thanks for rubbing that one in my face!!
that wasn't what I needed then either....I was upset about melissa, my dad being mad at me for being offended by melissa...school...

I had a makeup test yesterday morning at 7:30
5 one page essays in an hour and a half
one of them turned into 2 pages though
I wonder what I made...
though i didn't get to study like I wanted to, I glanced at my notes while walking into the school and it turns out that's what it was over...yay!

it wasn't until today that I got to sleep in though...I was pooped
Monday, I had to wake up early to tow the tracker
Tuesday, I got up early to supposedly get the tracker
Wednesday, Melissa woke me up at 7am cause she was grinding something ("fondly" referred to as the boat motor due to the noise) and I couldn't get back to sleep
ya know, she wasn't even apologetic when I subtly brought it up that night
she was even kinda rude and defensive about it
might as well have said "well I don't give a fuck so tough luck"
then thursday I had to get up to test

I'm going to be in a trio and quartet for my guitar class concert
yay!
Matt, Adam, and I are kinda considered a team...
and pretty much the top students of the class
hence the reason why she chose to do a trio with us
wiggy wiggy

I can't wait till next Friday
I get my very first paycheck
woohoo!!!
with it, I'm getting a gym membership and A FUCKING LOCK
that WOMAN went in my room twice yesterday
once while I was at school "for a glass"
like she couldn't wait?
and if she was there for a glass on my dresser, then why was she in my closet?
and my drawers?
answer me that?
and then she went in there again when we left "to get her shirt"
could she not have asked for it before we left?
it's just ridiculous
and I'm pissed
very much so
we've been through this several times before, starting to the second day I even knew her
back when she did my laundry
way overstepped her boundary
and still is
the lock is going to have a key entry so I can lock it when I leave
if I so choose, I'll give dad one, but I don't know
he didn't use to pull that shit really, but who knows now?
she's rubbed off on him
and he might give it to her, or go in there for her
no....
I don't think I will
unless I get him to sign a contract
lol

well....I guess that's the full update
peace out yo

oh, and I'll be in the Flowerplex tomorrow (and maybe thanksgiving) if you want to hit me up

:' (

2004-11-11T10:42:00.000-06:00

I need a hug...

I've been feeling not great for a while, and I really don't feel too good today....

so long cherished ball...

2004-11-08T23:11:00.000-06:00

well...my tracker should be working by tomorrow morning...
...$634.34 later, that is...
so um....that's a lot of money
my dad only had $300 (including the ball money)
so he made a deal to pay the other $300 with his next paycheck
I need money...
badly
so I can help
or something
damnit!
this isn't a family
a family would pull together and pool their resources to help out like my dad (and cynthia) have done for melissa...
cynthia's going to give my dad $50 that she owed him, but that was actually already factored into the $300 he said he could pull together, so that doesn't help...
cynthia divulged to me today that my dad has loaned melissa A LOT of money...
and she's going to try to push melissa into paying him back
she said that melissa doesn't pay anyone back
she told me a lot of interesting things today...
I went shopping with her...
it surprisingly wasn't so bad this time
and then she bought me a watch for work..
that was SO NICE

I'm insanely full
so full I feel sick
heaven forbid I should try to burp
that could leave a mess...

I need to lose weight so bad...
it makes me want to cry
I just keep gaining weight...

once I get money (doesn't everything start out that way?), I'm getting a $50 year-long membership to a gym nearby

I've been waking up in cold sweats the past few nights...
the other night I had a horrible dream that I'm not going to disclose right now, not because of secrecy, but sheer exhaustion

goodnight

ps: I'm insulted nobody else commented when I asked...
thank you Shaye

and Claire! I am like so totally disappointed...

I told ya so...

2004-11-07T21:43:00.000-06:00

I wasn't kidding when I said that everytime something good happens, something bad happens to me.
It's like when anything about my life starts looking positive, something big has to go poopy again.
This is officially declared UNCOOL

My poor baby died yesterday when I was just leaving from work.
There I am, pooped, my feet screaming at me and I'm just wanting to go home to rest a few before I go shopping for a dress for the ball on Thursday, and the tracker stalls while I was shifting into second...
how lame is that?
then it wouldn't start back up...
it cranks, but won't turn over
so it's dead
still at work...
I had to push it too
all these people passing by a girl in work clothes and work shoes pushing a car...and nobody stopped to even ask if I needed a cell phone to use (which I didn't), much less help push the car.
It's a good thing it's so tiny and I'm...not
lol
So what's so horrible about this?
My taste of freedom is just that (again). A taste.
Just a tease.
BAH
that happened when I got my license and could use Melissa's car and then I couldn't all of a sudden.
Yes, it's a pain in the ass.
And what's even WORSE than that is that Cynthia is back to being my mode of transportation.
Aside from the embarassment of a crazy old lady dropping me off at work and at my college, she's a crazy driver, smells horrible, and drives me insane.

An example of this irony is when Rachit and I broke up...everything was going great, and seemingly getting better, and then he dumps me...
then I start getting happy again, am working, loving the car and the freedom to go wherever...
and it dies
anything that makes me happy has to be taken away from me
but by whom??
I'd rather not believe there's a God.
because if there is, it would only make me more angry

Levi....confuses me at times...
I think that's all I'll say

but anyways..
work is good, except for my poor little (well, not really LITTLE) feet
I've only got 2 shirts that I can where to work for right now really, so that's boring...
no variety...
if there was a uniform, that'd be one thing, but this isn't
I just have no nice wardrobe and no money to afford one...yet
When I first started, I thought it was crazy how nice everybody there was...
I figured it's not possible to have all nice coworkers
Well see, I was right
Third day (yesterday), I met Amber
Amber is an in your face kind of person and one to badger the customers...and me..
She's highly more experienced than me, so she can tell me what to do...
How long has she been there you ask?
Why two whole weeks...
See, the policy is to greet a customer within 60 seconds upon their entrance
Within this greeting, you need to ask how they are doing, and then point out the main sale going on (and if you so choose, the smaller sales as well)
Well, she just pounces on them less than a second of them hitting the doorway and yelled at me when I didn't
I choose to be more relaxed with the customers so they don't feel like I'm jumping down their throat
well...a customer came in and I asked how they were doing, then waited while they responded and took a breath to get ready to tell them about our sale on all sleepwear
That's when she cut in really quickly and told them about it
Once they walked away, she yelled at me for not telling them about the sale
She said they had been yelled at for not telling them
How ridiculous is that?
I WAS BREATHING
She said I was stalling and that's unacceptable...
What's unacceptable was her rude behavior to me and several of the other customers
Other than that, I've still tried to be as nice to her as possible since I have to be around her for long periods of time, but grr
Today, her cousin and friend came in and totally ransacked the place
You'd think that your guests' behavior would reflect badly on you, but she was behaving just as badly
in front of customers no less!
If I was a manager, she'd be in a lot of trouble
Her guests just....made a mess of our displays and other stuff that took me over an hour to fix
I was just...pissed

other than that...
I don't know...
I want my tracker!
*whines*

bah...I'm dying to lose weight
why can't I just will all this fat to fall off?
i'd prefer it that way anyways...

I ought to start wearing underwear
seeing as I work in an underwear store...
granny panties are so popular...
nylon/microfiber ones especially
why?
what makes them so great?

ok
toodles

How am I?

2004-11-05T20:56:00.000-06:00

I'm sleepy...

and how are you?

ps: every last one of you had better answer, or else I'll have to beat yo faces in fool.
peace.

rock the house

2004-11-02T23:11:00.000-06:00

well...it's been nearly a week since I posted
bad me.

well, I start work tomorrow
I'm kinda bummed really because they only hired me to work 15 hours really...
if after a while it doesn't look like I'll get more hours than that, I'm going to continue putting in more applications

what else....
this weekend involved quite a bit of driving.
I think from Friday to today, I went through 2 tanks of gas.
during the weekend alone, I drove 252 miles...
it was to and from Flower Mound Friday
to and from Arlington Saturday
then to and from Flower Mound again on Sunday

Friday was pretty ok...
I didn't spend too much time inside cause I was honestly kinda bored
I didn't go there to watch a movie
I wanted to hang out with everyone
maybe it just didn't help that I wasn't interested in the movie they were watching when I arrived

I got to see what the tracker looks like with the top off...
it was kinda cool
till it started raining of course
then it just had to stop once we got it on
punk.
it poured all the way home too
it was kinda crazy

then uh...Saturday involved much sleeping
then Rachit talked me into going to Arlington to a hookah lounge with him and everyone
I was kind of hesistant cause I didn't know how to act around him
not to mention I was already irritated that he didn't call...
anyways...
so uh
we went to the hookah lounge, which would have been ok had he not pissed me off
I think I spent the first 6 hours of the night being angry with him
everyone had talked me into staying to drink and whatnot, but even then I didn't plan to stay the entire night
finally, after getting plenty of alcohol in us, Rachit and I had our fight and talking and whatnot
he got mad at me at one point cause when he went to pee, I left to my car...
I'm not stupid enough to drive with any alcohol in my system...
so we kinda made up
not in a boyfriend/girlfriend way, but a friend (and cuddle buddies) kind of way
that was nice...
the guys were a hoot...
listening (and singing and dancing) to smashing pumpkins till 7:30am
they climbed into bed with rachit and I too
haha

then Sunday...
well
truly, I'm too lazy to write much more...

halloween was boring
I got some clothes for work
backed into a ditch....

and I think that's about it really

toodles

yay day for moi

2004-10-27T21:40:00.000-05:00

so...today was pretty good
my guitar teacher is in canada for a big world class classic guitar contest
so we watched a video on Andres Sangovia, which was really amazing

THEN...I chilled out for a bit before going to the interview for L'eggs Hanes Bali Playtex
that really was pretty much the first application I turned in (since they asked me to fill it out right then)
and uh...I got it!
yay!
the woman said they had a lot of people that applied and were interviewed, but she liked my attitude and my hours
that kicks booty!
so tomorrow, I have to go do the pee in the cup thing (which I haven't done drugs, so that shouldn't be a problem), then I should start by Monday
I'm psyched
I need nicer clothes though...
and part of the dress code is pantyhose..
ewww...

hehe
so straight from there, I drove to dallas to help my dad with his haunted house thing, which I got back from just a few minutes ago
whoo...it's gonna be fun
I'm going tomorrow and early Friday too
I'm going to be one of the scary people in the haunted house
what I'll be is unknown as of yet, but it should be fun

what else...
oh yes, Jon called me last night
after talking to him, I can definately say (and believe myself) that I am better off without him
he hasn't changed...
he hangs out with the same high schoolers (no offense), doing the same stuff he did freshman/sophmore year
he didn't grow up....at all
the only difference is that he can legally smoke, buy legal porn, and go to strip clubs
he was telling me all these stories...
wild, they may be to him, but they're simply stupid to him
he's still very heavy into racing..
I dunno
I liked him back then and he's a nice person overall, but there was no personal growth there

so I don't know what else to say...
it's been a good day

so maybe an explanation is in order...

2004-10-26T11:11:00.000-05:00

if not for those who might be reading, then for the time when I want to read back on these and wonder...what the hell was that about??

so...kinda out of the blue Thursday night, right after saying happy belated three month, Rachit decided to end our relationship due to the distance between us.
He wants to be able to see me everyday...
I just think this is ridiculous
Am I not worth it?
Plus...it devalues the precious time we have to together if it's everyday
not to mention that can get overwhelming

so...here I am...hurting...
and my friends left
to go to sleep
or whatever else...
and then when I went to Flower Mound over the weekend, the only people that cared to see me were Ryan and his family.
That was really nice though.

but anyways..
Claire bailed Friday night
she said she had a bad day and for that I feel bad...
but man that made me upset...
I really needed my friends and I wanted to see her...
and Nathan went to a movie instead (though I did call him later than I said I would)
and Levi went to role play...since he never gets to do that...
then he went to a play the next day
and Claire didn't call or answer her phone for the rest of the weekend when Ryan tried calling.

so overall...it was a fairly poopy weekend
I love Ryan's mom to death though
It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I stayed there...
I never felt that much a part of a family..
it was amazing, but borderline uncomfortable
she would even give me a kiss in the morning when I woke up : )
*sigh*

what else...
I emailed Jon recently (one of the past couple days) and he emailed me back really excited to hear from me.
That's kinda cool
so we were emailing back and forth a bit, and he actually asked for my number
any other time I tried to reconnect contact, he was friendly, but not necessarily eager
nor do I think he asked for my number
so yeah...he's going to call and catch up
he's going to eastfield community college which is kinda crazy if he's still living in Lewisville
which begs the question if he's moved out there or something

woogy woogy woo

I might be seeing Rachit on Sunday at his show..
I'm torn since he was the last person in the band I met, and I love the band
why stop going because of him?
because I'm upset, that's why
because I didn't want to break up
because I gave up any dignity I had when I begged...
that's why.
but....I'll be brave
and hopefully I'll have help from friends
I can't go alone

today, I'm going to try the faux hawk I might do for halloween

bah...yesterday was fun...
it was raining, which I usually enjoy, but not when I spend the time to dry and straighten my hair and it gets wet and wavy and frizzy while I repeatedly hit the starter to my car
I was out collecting applications all over town, and like 7 times when I got back in the car, it wouldn't start
yay?

and today started off well
haha
the latest email from Jon
but then...
I stalled in the intersection of Greenville Ave and McDermott....not cool
it wouldn't start...took 5 minutes (which really is a long time)
and nobody, NOBODY offered to help...
sheesh

anyways...
that's the full update

happy belated birthday again Mike
I am sorry I forgot

toodles

thank you so much

2004-10-24T18:22:00.000-05:00

the support of my friends makes me feel so much better...
it's what it makes me feel better about that you have to question

I'll leave you to your thoughts.
oh wait...
you don't give a shit
so I'll leave you to your blankness.

technicolor yawn...

2004-10-22T09:49:00.000-05:00

I think I'm going to be sick..

why do these things happen when I finally start to feel happy

if there is a God..
I hate him.

the end of never

2004-10-20T11:11:00.000-05:00

so...I guess it's time to update since it's been a somewhat eventful week thus far...
nothing history making, but note-worthy for my journal...

well...I started driving my tracker on Monday
it's getting better, but it was a rocky start
I just panic when there are people behind me at intersections, so I don't want to waste their time taking forever letting off the clutch
that's when I stall...
and it pisses them off
especially at left turns when those lights are really short

Monday sucked my nose...
I woke up with kind of a headache, and very quickly, it developed into a migraine
I got through guitar class fairly well (got an A+ on my test last week)
but then there was voice...
Stan and Robbie have been bugging me to sing that it drove me nuts
they were telling the teacher and everyone else to make me go...
don't force me!!
AHH!
Robbie even got MAD at me for being scared
what the hell?
how can you be mad about that?
was I directly affecting him?
was I harming him by not singing?
surely not, silly boy
so...I ended up having to get up and sing with only 10 minutes of the class left
by that time my head was pounding and I was still confused as to why Robbie called me a poon...
so I get up there, and I was freaking out
I have HORRIBLE stage fright
I've been through that speech process too many times...and it never helps!!
so...I'm sweating
and shaking
and my voice is quivering and I'm as quiet as a mouse
what does my teacher do to "loosen me up?"
he gets the entire class to flap their arms and buck like chickens at me
that's the point where the tears began to well up in my eyes and I wanted to dart out of the room and run into traffic
so when it was finally time to leave and he ultimately called me a coward, I practically had to run out the door before I bawled
I'm dropping the class
I'm not doing that 2 more times
I'm not doing that 1 more time!!
NEVER AGAIN!!
the last time I do that is at the end of never!!
when hell freezes over!!
when my sister turns into a virgin!!

then...I drove home (after stalling a number of times and almost hitting someone), and stayed in bed all day long (due to the migraine)
Melissa had a bad day too....
which made for lots of yelling...
I could hear a hair fall...
so her screams did me no good
everyone had a bad day...
so, we had steak for dinner!
it was good, but I only managed to put away half cause I still felt bad from my migraine
my skull was going to crack, my head bust open, and my brain oozed out my ears
then I only got 2 hours of sleep so....bah..
so that was Monday...

then tuesday was fine (minus my stinky greasy self due to no hot water)
I went driving around and found a couple pretty spots...
this recreation center across from Kroger proved to be nothing short of amazing...
it's so tranquil
all these ponds and fields and just...wow
and DUCKIES!!!
hehe
I had all the windows down and the sunroof off
it was great
a counter to the bad monday
then today was just....ok
nothing extraordinary or bad
just an is
but that's better than a not so good
: )

well...
I'll be in Flower Mound to whoever would like to see me
tata!

guitars with personalities....whoa..

2004-10-17T23:11:00.000-05:00

today was good and bad
I can officially drive my tracker now, so I drove around a bit by myself and will begin driving myself to school tomorrow!! YAY! It'll be a couple weeks before I can drive to Flower Mound or Arlington though..
the bad portion was entirely my fault so I accepted what I got
I spent a good portion of the day hunkering over a bowl of ramen (which I never finished) in my room, resisting the urge to hurl
that's what I get for not listening to my better judgement at a party
I drank too much
definately
BUT...the benefit of the attack to my liver was in uninhibited desire to dance!!
I love to dance, but always feel too embarassed to do so..
I met a guy at the party (gay) and we danced some..
Navi (spelling?) wanted me to dance with him, but I didn't for Rachit cause I thought that that might hurt his feelings
Micah got even more drunk than me, which...wow...
he's an angry drunk, but thankfully not too much towards girls, so I could get him to be nice
but when it came time to getting him home, he wasn't as quick to cooperate with Rachit or Joe when they tried helping him walk or stand, so it was up to me...
it was up to me, the stumbling drunk girl, to helping a 6'2"-6'3", 260lbs (guessed) guy down a flight of stairs, through an apartment complex, standing at the car (he kept falling over on top of the car), getting him in and out of the car (he was passing out by the time we had to get him to get up), and going up 3 flights of stairs.
OI
THEN his roomate left him when he fell off the bed and puked all over the room
real nice Gary
so we went in there.....I got his jacket off him and his booty back onto the bed...
but ew...puke..on my clothes...
anyways...minus the dancing and such, it was a night I wouldn't repeat

what else...
went to a show in Denton on Friday
that was kinda fun
really loud though
I forgot my earplugs
Wyatt (as expected) finally got busted...
DUI, possession of marijuana, and possession of alcohol as a minor
ouch

James was being very uh..friendly
I do think he likes me
and I liked him since I met him
haha
Rachit thinks I'm crazy for it
James' reaction to Rachit and I being a couple was a hoot
just...yeah

ok, I'm done
have fun with your scorning
toodles

burp

2004-10-14T11:11:00.000-05:00

crackers are yummy...
and by crackers, I mean caucasians...

let's see....
recap:

I can drive stick now
but my dad still wants me to wait a couple weeks before I drive to arlington or flower mound

I took a test in guitar yesterday, and did ok
am singing tomorrow for voice...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (get the picture?)
umm...
I found out I practically have a 100 in history..

I'm very suspicious of something I think Melissa did
though I have a lot of stuff that points to it, Mike doesn't believe me..
he thinks it's my paranoia...
that's pretty insulting
truly
I am offended
I'm not really paranoid about people out to do be harm, just..talking about me or thinking mean things about me, that's all

I'm freezing like a monkey with a shaved ass on ice

I went to the fair on Tuesday, which was a lot of fun..
Lauryn's friend ended up driving us nuts though so we took a vote not to invite her here again
very bad mannered (and overly hyper) child...

My dad and I recreated some pictures in a photo booth...
there are four pictures we took in a photo booth when I was two that I absolutely LOVE
they're probably up there with my most prized possessions....
like my guitar
well...we took them again, trying to do the same expressions
it turned out pretty funny, but I'm really happy about it

Rachit...didn't talk to him since Saturday night (which was not fun at the end) until last night
he might be seeing me for a short while in a few hours..
I like it that he misses me...

Friday..I'll be at the Friday night thing
then I'll stay the night at Levi's
then uh...from there, all I know is that Rachit wants me to stay in Arlington Saturday

from experience knowing me...
what would you guess my favorite thing in the world to do is?
cause Rachit wants to know so we can do it since he feels bad for some stuff, but I can't think of anything off the top of my head

we're getting the tags to the tracker today, but we still need to replace the front two tires and get it inspected..
then I'll be on the road!

I guess that's about it
ta

shoot me in the fucking head

2004-10-10T13:01:00.000-05:00

and let me die bleeding before more damage is done...

what else is new?

2004-10-06T15:45:00.000-05:00

the day after the talk, I "insulted" Melissa and got in trouble for something bullshit
so what else is new?

I'm kinda bored...
I missed class today
that's what happens when you forget to set your alarm

buddy farted
ewwwww

I want to move to arlington next semester
who knows...
maybe it'll happen
it'd be better with a roomate though
there are some really cheap apartments there a couple miles from UTA

I miss my sister and rest of my family SO MUCH
I'm going to try my hardest to fly out there for thanksgiving
I don't want to spend it with these people

what else...
I got an A on my first history test.
BOOYEAH!
I was so worried
it's 20pts of my overall grade...oi
which reminds me...
I have a paper due by the beginning of december I need to start on
30% of my grade

oh well....

ciao

eegads Batman!!

2004-10-04T13:33:00.000-05:00

yay for my blog working!!

well...it's Monday
and uh...yeah
it's been a week since I wrote and I guess some stuff's happened.
It's bound to...

Let me just say that waking up at 6:30 this morning could never have been for better reasons...
I woke up for a storm, which is highly unusual.
Though I am passionately in love with the sound of rain and the crashing of thunder, it's also soothing usually, but this time, it was like CRASH BOOM *BREAK*
My entire house was actually rocking, not vibrating
God was getting his groove on I guess
but anyways...I was actually rocking in my bed, and then it thundered and boomed again and a glass fell off my dresser and broke.
holy moly!!
the whole storm was actually borderline scary cause it was roaring

half of the people in my classes didn't show...
if it's cause of the rain, then that's sad
the world doesn't stop for rain
or is it that everyone just happened to have convertables with broken motors? : D

*hums*
haha
new idea
Your House by Alanis Morissette
it's accapello, saving me money, and my teacher approve hesistantly...
he said people just sound funny when they sing accapello
but we'll see

my tracker's pretty much fiximiated...
for $12, my dad took it to sears and had it diagnosed with a bad battery and a stuck starter...
go alliteration
lol
but it's all fixed
the battery went bad way too fast since it was new, so they replaced it and uh...
all we have to do is fill the holes in the headlight lense with epoxy and pop on the spare tire to get it inspected, transfer the title (though we have it in our possession), and get the tags renewed...
I should be learning to drive it (legally) by the end of the week

Melissa's already quitting her job...it's too much for her
she can't talk about me being without a job
bizzatch

damnit, I love Rachit, but some things he does are just...grrrr

I took my first test in American History on Thursday, and it was a doozy...
I even studied for it for several hours
Something that kinda pissed me off though was the people cheating on that test.
That always cheesed me off.
It throws the curve when you do that!
And even if the teacher was unusually hard, if certain people in the class do well by cheating, you can't really prove to anyone that they're bad by the reflecting test scores.
Anyways....I didn't do so great on the first 10 matching thingies...that was 20% of the test..
Then there were the essays, but those I think I did well on.
The whole time, I could see people hiding papers under their legs, looking at them, then putting them back, or sending text messages to friends, having them look stuff up in the book for them and send it back
grrrrr
moi estupido
Rachit cheats on tests...and he doesn't even think it's wrong...THAT bugged me..
guh

Friday, I went to a little practice/recital for the students taking private lessons in classical guitar...
amazingnesstosity
Adam's great, definately, but this was a different kind of guitar playing that was phenomenal..
though they have been practicing on those pieces for months...

I got to see Claire and Shaye and Levi and Evypoo on Friday...
that was pretty peachy
I mostly talked to Claire and Ev's mom though, and when Shaye came home, she joined in as well.
YAY for singing!!
singing's fun....especially when you've got no inhibitions limiting you...
Randy (I mean, Erica) was a fun kid...and Tyler H too.
old Tyler kept trying to say hi to me though....while I was busy talking...sheesh

Afterwards, Claire and I hung out at her house for a bit, having a little pow wow session, listening to music and such before deciding to go to Arlington.
It ended up being kinda dull though, since people were gone, and Berekat had to go to bed early...
I didn't get to see her enough.
We did watch Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter though
That movie kicked ass
hahaha
it's a must see

Rachit ws so cute...
when I mentioned the possibility of me not staying Friday in Arlington and not going to Sarah's birthday party, he got really quiet, and when I asked him why he sounded bummed, he said because I wasn't there yet and he wanted to spend all weekened with me.
awwwwww
I like him missing me....I'd hate it if I was the only one
I'm doing ok though, as long as I see him pretty much every weekend, I'm set
He wishes I could stay there all the time, but I can't...

Saturday consisted of lots of sleeping...
Joe, Rachit, and I went to Souper Salas (oh yeah baby) and pigged out there....
after watching the movie again, Rachit and I got tired, so we took a nap for a few hours, then Joe came over, we goofed off
He was drinking a few Bacardi Silvers and we came up with a song somehow (they did really) about sulfur...and bacardi silvers
it was a hoot
Then Micah showed up and we all were gonna make some burritos and they were gonna drink a bit, and they each had a couple drinks (Joe had more than a few, but wasn't drunk), but it was so fun...
Joe pissed off Kristin (his girlfriend) or something, so he had to leave most of the time to go talk to her (this happens WAY too often), and Rachit got a call from Sarah that her arm was hurt and had to rush over there to see if she was ok, then I used that time to take a shower and get cleaned up...
all this happened after they spent all this time loading these bombs (very large burritos) with jalepeno poppers and pepperoni, so they were just kinda left there with Micah
poor guy...
after that, I bundled up cause I was cold and watched all the guys play guitar and sing
guys and guitars....hubba hubba
hahaha

then sleepy time for Rachit and I around 7am
Sunday: more sleeping/laying around, watched some Jimmy Neutron, went to Chili's, went home...
*sigh*

The second we drove up to my house, my mood just...crashed
I saw my window open...
with the screen on
someone had been in my room
my sanctuary
my haven

I just turned on my bitch switch when I went inside...
RAR
My dad and Melissa went in my room together and looked around, opened the window (they did to every window in the house), and they went in my closet
WHY in my closet if they just were opening the window
and why did it take two people
this whole arguement started a huge fight between my dad and I, and he started telling me to clean my room
no no
I haven't been forced to clean my room (except if company was staying in it) since elementary or middle school
that pissed me off so much
I've kept it cleaner than in Flower by far...
I even vaccuum weekly
GRRR
but then we started screaming at each other
and then I just got fed up with it and yelled at him about how he's changed, brought up the email (which he said he didn't get), and by this time, I was bawling like a little baby...
a lot of things were said that I don't really want to talk about, but when things calmed down a little bit, we were talking about some stuff and he mentioned that things between he and Melissa are a little on the rocks, like it's a test
she missed her ex
and the novelty of the relationship is fading...
yet we still have the elase on the house for another 10 months
I'm sure we would be the ones moving though...into a two bedroom place or something
I want to
I don't like living here
it's not my home
and I told him that
At least the girls have each other, and their mother and grandmother...
I only have half of my dad...
I miss my sister horribly and wish she was here as my companion, but she's not...
I'm alone in this
Melissa mentioned to my dad that I always try to sit by him when we have dinner
WELL YEAH
why wouldn't I
he's my only connection to anyone here!!
GUH
She's got her whole family....I'm the only oddball to her
He was telling me other things she's said...
appearantly she wasn't happy with the way I talk to the girls
I got busted for calling the girls turds...
oh please
it's as harmless as a goober
and everytime I say it, I mean it in a playful way, not maliciously
poppycock
She's telling my dad that he gives me too much leeway too when it comes to talking back to him.
First of all, I'm a legal adult as opposed to her kids, second of all, I've heard her kids say what would be worse things in our book to her that she lets them get away with...
it's just apples and oranges
you can't compare them
PLUS, it appearantly REALLY drives her nuts that he "lets" me go to Arlington and stay the weekends there...
it's just beyond her to understand the trust there
he knows I have two tattoos now, knows I smoke, and knows I drink (now that the novelty's worn off, I don't too much really), but I just...I try to behave myself.
she'll let her kids drink and do drugs, and get tattoos, but when it comes to having freedom to go out and do things, that's where she's off...
they can't even go to the park, and Lauryn's about to be 13
she can't even phathom why he would trust someone who sits in a room all day, doing nothing, has no job and hasn't looked for one, and doesn't try to engage in socializing with the rest of the household
what the hell
I DON'T KNOW THEM
she's got her posse, so it's not hard for her, not to mention her outgoing nature, but I don't
and the job?
PLEASE
I can't do much without a car...I've applied online for as much as I could find that I know is around here, but they don't post much online below management positions
and who is she to talk?
she was out of a job since may, and now she's quitting after only like 4 days of work
that whole speel cheesed me off
it's ridiculous
What else...ah yes
the way my dad and I talk really pisses her off
how is that?
quietly
it OFFENDS her when we speak softly
we don't have to talk loudly to carry a conversation, and just because we're quiet, doesn't mean we're secretive
she said we deeply offended her at Cici's a week ago when we were having a conversation at one end of the table, because we were leaving her out of it
please
get over it

I think I'm done with my rant
that talk kind of got my dad to understand some of the things going on through my head, and that helped....
I got some feedback from him, but it was stuff I already understood

bah...
so...the weekend's over and it's time to study for class again
toodloo
by the way...
this post has taken me two hours to write
whoa

flyby weekend

2004-09-27T21:17:00.000-05:00

it just came and went...but not without some fun

Friday night held great fun toy shopping for Ashlyn at Walmart with my dad, Lauryn, and Melissa.
Although there was some crying from Melissa yelling at Lauryn...Lauryn can be a pain in the ass easily, but Melissa seems like a real bitch to her a lot of the time...really hot headed..
but after that, (and that walking through the drive thru of Wendy's) we all hung out at Taco Bell talking about old stories...
kind of...
we listened to Melissa's stories mostly
she has a tendency to dominate conversations...

Saturday was uneventful until Rachit picked me up and we went to Lewisville for the concert...it's was SO LOUD!
Paul dressed up as Flava Flave : D
he's such a pimp
I'm learning Tim's solo in This Means war too...if you want to hear it, go to http://slapbitch.com and click on the name of the song I just said, and it's 2:17 into it...
what else...they headlined, but it sucked that it was so late, cause everyone was tired of hearing music all day, or had to go home...so it was pretty desolate while they were on stage

I got to see Ryan during their set, but that's not enough. He and I need to hang out...

The other day (Thursday), I forgot to tell Claire happy birthday, and I feel SO BAD!!
Claire, if you're reading this, HAPPY BELATED 19th BIRTHDAY!!!!

anything else besides Melissa yelling incessantly all day today...
her galbladder might be bad, so that's no good either...

oh! school, yes
I am SO NERVOUS about singing for voice class...just shoot me now...
guitar class went well, though because of the scars on the two fingers of my left hand (they look like weird warts, but aren't), I can't handle people watching me play guitar, so every time Adam watches me, I fall apart when we're trying to practice, which isn't cool in class...
he's too much of a distraction when I'm trying to learn, but after class, it's awesome
we spent the hour and ten between classes practicing together again in one of the practice rooms with an acoustic sound system and a piano.
that guy is SO FUCKING TALENTED!!
anyone, try listening to the solo I was talking about...it's not truly amazing, but not easy, either, yet he was the one who ended up helping me
he just listened to the song ONCE, JUST ONCE, and played it all....every last bit
THEN, played it on the piano!!
he does that with everything!
and when I was having trouble, he reached over and played it while I was holding it...
and he's a theater major, not music major???? BAH!!

what else....
oh right...Rachit
haha
I stayed the night with him on Saturday, but couldn't sleep again cause of that damned bed...
we went to a keg/birthday party, but it wasn't terribly interesting, so we left shortly after Micah did a kegstand for 25 seconds and "spit up" a little....it was just kinda dumb
except for Sean....that cutie...haha
drop it like it's hot!!
Claire, I'm talking about the gay guy who fell in love with you instantly in Arlington...lol

damn, I care for Rachit too much...perfection
one day he'll realize he's perfect and leave

anyways....tata

yay for weekend!!

2004-09-25T11:11:00.000-05:00

I'm excited to see Rachit today...
He's gonna pick me up early afternoon and hang out all day and maybe, MAYBE I'll stay the night in Arlington.
I'm sad Claire couldn't come out....I was gonna ask if she wanted to stay the night at my house.: (
I miss the Claireness
and the Ryaness
and the Flower Moundness
and everyone...
Levi, Shaye, and Ev
bah!

check out this link...it's very interesting...
I wonder how much of it is true?
http://www.bolt.com/boards/replies.jsp?categoryId=41&boardId=258&postId=20018346

speaking of bolt...
my journal's back up...
I read through a couple months of it and was disgusted, truly disgusted
I'm still pretty unhappy, but I've gotten a LOT better compared to those...
ew
ew ew ew
way too depressing and self-pitying

so anyways...what up g?

my tracker is making faster progress than my dad and I thought..
yippee!!
he got the title already from the previous owner, AND he DOES have the backseat (kinda) and is going to give that to us
he gave us the key to the spare tire as well, so we don't have to buy a new one in order to pass inspection
what else...
oh yes, and as we speak, dad is ata junkyard looking for a "new" lense for one of the headlights..
AND he got new windshield wipers last night
YAY!

speaking of cars...I got to drive to school yesterday. hehe I was so psyched. Melissa and Cynthia had to go to the military base to sort out a bunch of medication stuff, so I "had" to drive her car myself. An 8 minute drive couldn't be more thrilling. lol
I'm such a dork.

bah....next week, we start singing our songs, and I'm scared as hell...
I wonder how everyone else will be? what will they sing? AH!
just hope I don't suck horribly and refuse to sing ever again...

haha there are these two guys in bands in my class (though I suspect two fairly different KINDS of bands) and one is trying to get the other to get a tattoo or piercing or two. lol It cracks me up to hear it. "dude, at least get your ears pierced and gauge them....you can't be in a band and NOT have a piercing or tattoo"
says who? : D
go Stan
haha

So...so far, I'm wanting to sing I Will Remember You cause Ironic sounds really bad when I sing it loud, which I have to, so eh...no.
But, I'm thinking of doing a musical type of song, so, can anyone help me out and give me any suggestions of songs I could sing from a musical you like? and try to make it kind of a lower pitched woman's voice....I'm no true soprano. : D
danke

oh yes, and VOTE NADAR!!
ta

what a pain...

2004-09-22T11:11:00.000-05:00

Cynthia is just one big ol grump with nothing better to do with what time she has left than to bitch.
Melissa's got a job with good pay that she could start today at Ace checks, but is going to an interview at a bank where she would have the same pay.
She doesn't want the Ace job cause it's low class work though the same pay, and it's dangerous, and only criminals and bums go there..
what the fuck?
I've gone there
my sister has
and this is Allen!!
she's all concerned about being robbed there..
not likely
and even if she did, she's behind bullet-proof glass
but that's not enough for cynthia
she's under the impression that someone would bring a missile or something that would go through that glass
ya know, if someone had a gun powerful enough to do that, they could sell it and wouldn't have the rob the place!!
she just irritates me...

then she started complaining about the curbs here...
"they're too round. see, the curbs where I come from are square, so you can tell when you ride up on them or not"
I told her they're not bad, and I haven't had any problems with them and ya know what she said?
"well you're not a real driver, so what would you know?"
what the fuck?
I might not get to drive all that often, but I've been driving off an on for 4 years, bitch.
I told her that I've had plenty experience parking at a curbside, and she was like "well one day we'll see how good a driver you are"
fuck you
YOU'RE the one who scares the kids when you swurve off the road with a full moving truck on the highway, going 80...dumb bitch...
she's a nutso driver cause she's so old, has bad vision, ISN'T cautious, and is dizzy from her medicine all the time!
guh...

that's off my chest...
I took my test in guitar today...
there was no reason for me to be so nervous
when I heard everyone playing today, I realized I kick ass : D
and I did
I even beat Adam's ass
whooo!!
: P

I wanna see Rachit, but even if I get to see Rachit this weekend, it'll just be like Saturday afternoon or something...damnit

bye

still kickin...

2004-09-20T23:11:00.000-05:00

howdy....
not much going on

today was melissa's birthday, so we went to The Melting Pot, had kind of a not good time...
a lot of it was due to Cynthia's behavior...

yesterday, I drove my dad's truck a bit..even to the grocery store
not fun
I was buggin

my tracker failed inspection on saturday..

voice class was cancelled today

I saw Tyler on campus and hung out with him for a bit, so that was kick booty

what else...
I don't know...

claire, are you still interested in going to heart ball?
and if so, would you like to work registration or auction?

it...is...ALIVE

2004-09-16T21:57:00.000-05:00

The tracker is no longer dead...it turns out it was just something with the battery...
I didn't kill it!! YAY!!

I'm STILL sick...going on two weeks now...
I'm trying to decide which of these three songs I want to sing for voice class:
Ironic-Alanis Morisette
I Will Remember You-Sarah McLachlan
You Were Meant For Me-Jewel

Jewel is a little harder cause there are some notes a little higher than my normal,
Ironic is great because I love the song, can pull it off, and it kind of forces me to sing louder, which is what I'm constantly being told to do,
and I Will Remember You is great because it's right in my voice range and it's really simple, yada yada yada...

so
what do you think?

I got some bodywash today (as opposed to bar soap, which I can't really take with me so easily when I leave for the weekends) and it smells PERDY...

Rachit might be coming to pick me up tomorrow, and I can stay with him till early Sunday, when I have to head back cause I'm volunteering for Croquet Ole again.
yippee

I don't really know what to say...
I hope Mike's ok...
I've been watching the news constantly about hurricane Ivan and there are possible tornadoes out his way, along with fallen trees, power outages, flooding...and the like..

off I go I guess
ta

hmmm

2004-09-13T23:11:00.000-05:00

things are getting a little sorted out with rachit cause we talked a bit the other night...
I kinda feel bad for him...there he was, trying to drink and have a good time with his friends, but he couldn't cause he was thinking about me.
damnit
dunno....he was upset that I didn't want to talk to him about some stuff

what else...I stalled out my tracker really badly and now it won't start...
haha
great
it was SO HARD
the pedals are too sensitive

I'm still sick and had to sing warm ups in voice today all by my lonesome and he had to stop at me and get me to sing louder for a long time...
damn the man!
it was kinda embarassing, but I'm getting over it...
there's a guy in my class who's a singer in a band and said he played with 12 years wasted, so I ought to see what band he's in if I'm seen them before..

the guy in my guitar class is too damned talented..
not only does he play a mean guitar, he plays piano beautifully (we were the only two there half an hour early this morning, so he played for me), AND he plays violin..
today, I had just over an hour between classes and was going to spend it reading for history, but he saw me outside just as I got there and was busting out my book and sat there with me for the entire hour playing songs for me and teaching me some as well...
I can't help but swoon : P
I'm a sucker for musicians...
lol
rachit's a crazy man
he's telling me to date him (he doesn't care)

what else...
I dunno
I STILL have to read tonight, which is gonna be boring

my bed is so inviting for some reason...I moved it around and now it just looks so much more comfortable...

off I go to enjoy some more bedtime

ta

no comments make Erica feel alone..

2004-09-10T23:11:00.000-05:00

Things aren't going so well with Rachit, I think...things are just getting poohy
and I wasn't so happy with it earlier
well...I was really UNhappy earlier

I got the tracker though
and it's SO ADORABLE

I'm sick as a...chick?

and I had voice today and sounded stupid with a froggy voice trying to do goofy warm ups

uh...
that's all

bye

yippee!!

2004-09-08T15:55:00.000-05:00

we got the tracker..
I have yet to see it
It's yellow, a '93 with a back window we have to sew up
it needs to be inspected and the tags renewed, so we got it for $400
I should be driving it this time next week!
tata

interesting weekend..

2004-09-06T13:01:00.000-05:00

let's see...
my dad still hasn't responded
I'm really likely to get that tracker...

onto other things.
I didn't get to hang out with Levi as much as I was wanting really, and didn't get to see Ryan at all. I went to the Friday night thing and had a blast, then went to a movie with Rachit and Paul, but felt really bad...
That night, I ended up going back to Arlington to stay with Rachit and hadn't gotten back till a little earlier.
Saturday was Fattyfest which was blasphemously hot. I was sweating like a mofo!!!! That's one of the big reasons why I didn't end up hanging out with Ryan and Levi that night...I was DYING for a shower.
The show went really well. Everything including the tuning, sound check, and between song commentary was prerecorded and purposely done badly, so it was a hoot. There was a great crowd response, but they were really anally raped when it came to what time they played.
I actually got a sunburn!! First one of the summer... (I think?)
amps are heavy...

Then uh...Claire, Rachit, and I all went to Arlington, had some fun hanging out with Micah and Berekat, where they were all playing guitar and such.
I was pooped though, so I kinda zonked out.
There are 6 guitars in Rachit's room right now...

Sunday...lots and lots of sleeping randomly, then just kind of hangin out.
We had to pick up Joe from the airport, so we did that, got some chinese food, then I don't remember what we did to pass the time before Micah and his brother came over and we hung out. Then Joe and Amanda joined, we had a little jam session, drank a bit, went out...
I didn't even get to sleep till 6:30am

Hurricane Frances is a CRAZY beast..
twice the size of Andrew with all the power...
DAMN

what else...
something is really on my mind about Rachit, but it'll sort itself out I guess...

Micah's brother last night was kind of a dick. Where Micah's a really adorably nice guy who's a serious romantic, his brother is a beer drinking, weight lifting, girl hitting fucker.
It really made me uncomfortable all the times he was talking about just the idea of raping girls...that I won't go into, but he was just an ass.
They were playing The Guy Game to see boobies, and all he was doing was bashing these decently pretty girls, and I just wanted to be like "who the fuck are you to act that way? is she really that unappealing to you? are you trying to tell me you wouldn't nail her? because she's not under 100lbs, she's fat? look in the mirror lard ass. your stomach's over your pants. so shut the fuck up"
yeah
that's what I wanted to say
it's guys like him that make me so incredibly insecure
because even if they're not directing that to me, they think it, and they say it behind your back, and if those girls are fat or ugly, then I must be awful...
and he says what things are gross that's actually like me...
anyways...

quizzes are fun

20 Questions to a Better Relationship
eXpressive: 5/10
Practical: 5/10
Physical: 6/10
Giver: 7/10
You are a RPYG--Reserved Practical Physical Giver. This makes you a 1950s Parent.

You are relentlessly patient, loving, generous and devoted. You are unflappable. If on some rare occasion you do raise your voice or say a swear word in anger, anyone around to hear it will remember it (and think it was funny). At the same time, you're very cute and charming, and even if you don't catch someone's eye at the beginning of the night you'll surely have their attention by the end. Your calm, conservative nature conceals a passionate (and sexy!) heart. You can have trouble bringing up problems, but your approach to conflict is calm and even-handed. The problem can be is that you are so busy worrying about your partner's satisfaction that you don't ensure your own. This can build up over time and make you restless. Despite your sexual nature, you are more likely to cheat emotionally than physically. You tend to work out your frustrations in the bedroom. Depending on your partner, this can be an excellent strategy.

You would be a great candidate to balance out an XSYT, but not a good match for an unappreciative RPYT.

You have an odd, ritualized vice that doesn't suit the rest of your persona -- like smoking a certain brand of cigarettes or drinking a certain kind of wine.

Of the 54266 people who have taken this quiz, 5.1 % are this type.

20 Questions to being a Better Person

Your score as a human being is 78.75.

Middle of the road, eh? Does that mean you're yellow? Yellow as a salamander frying on blacktop? Yellow as a urinal cake? Yellow as a delicious marshmallow Peep? Mmmm. Peep. Sometimes I think if it weren't for Just Born candy, I would just expel my life force and expire. Hot Tamales. Mike and Ikes. But I digress.Nicely done. You are robustly average, and I approve of it.

Your score as a human being is 21.

This makes you like The Sopranos.
Holy crap. This is some serious malfunction you've got in your family. It's like baked ziti of anguish set off by a romaine salad of conflict and a nice Merlot of denial. Your parents would cheat on each other in a heartbeat if they could find anybody but each other that could tolerate them. Your siblings blow hot and cold, and by "hot" and "cold" I mean "intractably selfish" and "desperately codependent."
Don't feel bad. This is the score my family gets, and we're not bad people. Mostly.

maybe an email would work...

2004-09-03T01:00:00.000-05:00

I decided to send my dad an email...

This email is a long time coming. I'm sure you can tell that I haven't been too happy with you lately, and if you didn't, then maybe I didn't get the point across effectively enough for you to be aware or maybe even care. I've taken it under consideration that you DO know, but really don't give a crap. I wouldn't put it past you with the way you've been treating me lately. You're acting like I'm not even your daughter anymore; just a tenant you don't even know. The way we were before, I considered us friends, I liked the way we respected each other and listened to each other for the most part and it was like an equal relationship. Now, it feels like I hardly exist. I understand that you're in love with Melissa and she makes you happy and for that I'm happy for you, but you're also starting to get the way you were when you were with mom. Nothing else in the world mattered but her. You wouldn't listen to Andrea or I and anything she said went and you took everything she said as she truth. I'm not saying she's a liar, cause that's never come up, but you can't just forget everything and everyone else in your life now that you have someone new. I also realize that you've got some catching up to do with the girls to get to know them and get them to be comfortable with you and have your own bonds, but you're breaking ours entirely when you're doing all of this. I never talk to you anymore, and when we do, it feels forced. It took me forever just to get you to take me to walmart to get some actual necessities, but you'll take them anywhere or do anything for them at the drop of a hat. I almost feel as if you lied to me when you were saying we have no money to spare, but then you can afford a ring. I feel selfish saying that, but it's like that was just another way of breaking promises. You kept breaking promises about the car, and we haven't gotten a computer set up in my room, didn't get digital cable, everything you promised me when we moved didn't happen either. You've already told me your explanations, but it doesn't change the fact that I've got a handful of empty promises and Melissa's got everything in the world you could offer her. Every day, you're pushing me away more and more and more. With the way it's been going, I don't think I could even make it to January before I could move out. Rachit was even wanting me to move out to Arlington and stay with him so I could use his car and get a job cause he knew how unhappy I was here.
I don't know...I guess that's all I have to say..
Erica

liar, liar, pants on fire

2004-09-02T20:48:00.000-05:00

So the other day, I was out with my dad getting my textbooks, and I asked him where all our money has been going that makes us so unable to get a car, or for him to even help..
and he tells me that he's been paying a lot of bills from the old house and the new, so that's why...
no
today I found out that it was going to buying Melissa's $4500 ring...cause that's a necessity and all...
so I couldn't get a desk (even a cheap one) to set up a computer for me for college (or anything) or get a car or anything else I've been needing because of a damned ring that really wasn't truly NEEDED right this second! It may sound selfish, but he's been making all these promises for stuff that NONE has been fulfilled...ASS
they moved the date to October 16

I was listening to Melissa on the phone earlier (she talks so damned loud I could hear her anywhere in the house) and she was talking about me to someone and mentioned how I'm hopefully moving by January and how they were looking forward to having this room freed up.
I KNEW IT!! They ARE trying to boot me out of the house the little fuckers!!!
I'm a bit...angry

Not to mention, whenever I tell my dad I want to go somewhere (say, the library), he ignores it, but he'll do anything for Melissa or her girls at the drop of the hat..
Sure, there's the bonding thing he has to go through to get their acceptance and shit, but STILL...I'm his fucking daughter

I might be getting a geo tracker afterall though.
It's yellow, a manual, needs the roof replaced (ragtop), and the front wheels realigned, but it's $500, so I'm cool with it. I couldn't care less.
My dad's gonna test drive it tomorrow.
With any luck, I can have it by next weekend

What else is going on...
I'm really tired cause I haven't got enough sleep the past two nights.
I've had classes and I think American History will be keeping me pretty busy for just one class, but since I don't really have any others, it's no biggie...

i'm done
peace

high hopes for the future

2004-08-31T00:50:00.000-05:00

but as for now, it sucks.

I'm really lucky to have Rachit helping me out.
Melissa's got a job interview on Thursday, and if she gets that job, I'm shit out of luck for transportation for school...
dad's saying I should get a job at kroger and walk there and such, but I really don't have the time to waste working for minimum wage when I need a car asap.

I'm going to see if my grandma can help me out getting a piece of shit car (I'd pay her back when I got a decent job), but if she doesn't have the dough, I'm seriously considering the possibility of taking Rachit up on his offer to live in Arlington for a while...
I'd drop my classes (only lose $50 on that deal) and get a bunch of my clothes and toiletries together and stay in Arlington with either Rachit or Grant, use Rachit's car and get a job...
it's a really generous offer of him..
I don't want to drop my classes, but I don't know what to do
I can't live this way...

Earlier I was talking to Levi for a long time...
It's awesome how much we talk and what we can talk to each other about.
He pointed out something that was hilarious...
he said that it's kind of awkward how unawkward our conversations are. : D
I'm really looking forward to moving out of here and us moving in together.
It'll be a blast

I guess that's about it
What else is there to say...
oh yeah!
I had guitar and voice classes today...
These classes are looking promising and fun, and I really don't want to drop them, so I'll have to see what I can do...

That's it
peace out

whisked away to paradise....

2004-08-30T08:41:00.000-05:00

or Arlington...for a day...
but that's good enough for me
I had meself a mini vacation

I like that kid way too much...
He told me again that he loves me Saturday night/Sunday morning and I actually believe him.
He's not just some 16 year old boy with a hard-on.

I was getting in those bad moods again by Friday and Saturday...just crying and wishing I had something sharp...
I've done a good job avoiding that, but it's just been not so good.
Maybe with the beginning of school, things will get better.

I'm leaving in like half an hour to go to class....bah
how can someone be this nervous??
hehe

So I think I took having not so girly friends for granted, cause on Saturday night, I was hanging out with Rachit and Micah, and we took these girls, Amber and Julie, to Razoos and all they did was kind of bitch at Rachit and I for joking around, checking other people out together. Appearantly that's not allowed...
ya know...being trusting and not jealous...yeah......
Then, when we went back to Micah's room and were watching this really goofy kung foo/soccer movie, they seemed SO bored, while all of us were having a blast! I dunno....I just think girls are stupid and not so much fun.
go Shaye and Claire for not being like that.

Levi cracks me up...
I was mentioning how uncomfortable the beds in the dorms were (they always make my hip/leg hurt) and he was actually kind of shocked that Rachit and I have slept together (in the literal sense). I mean...we kinda did that the first night we really got to know each other.

What else.....
I miss people.
With any luck, Claire will come out to Arlington this weekend while I'm there and stay a night or something...
I'm going to be there Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and coming back Monday....
YAY!
hehe
this time I'll have my conditioner...

oh!!
Yesterday, I finally met Berekat, Rachit's roomate.
It cracked me up, the terms we met on though.
Rachit and I were wrestling around on his bed (though it looked wrong, no funny business was happening), and in walks Berekat, and I didn't think you could see a black man blush...
lol
it was a hoot
but the whole thing felt so awkward cause he thought we were "busy" but he had to get ready for work real fast...
: P

anywhosit...I'm gonna go do my hair and get ready for class

au revoir

oh! and Mike, I know you read this, so you should've commented on the entry before the last one, bitch!

what?

2004-08-26T11:11:00.000-05:00

cupid shot into the sky
but set his aim a bit too high
the arrow pierced the clouds with speed
and missed the target he did need
instead it hit my heart that night
I dare not put up a fight
against the love I feel, I fear
but still whenever he is near
I lose that fear deep down inside
my feelings for him I can't hide
because he takes away the pain
and with his love I can't refrain
from missing him each waking hour
though I try with all my power
to get him out of my thoughts
I think I'll end this now with dots...

haha
I love couplets
I just felt like being silly
but then uh..not finishing that before I went any further with my feelings
BAHA!
teehee

toodles

choir?

2004-08-25T19:20:00.000-05:00

I don't know....
I got a call to be in choir since I'm taking voice classes, and I've always kind of wanted to....or do I?
I'm not sure if I want to or not..
what should I do?
please comment
EVERYONE

amazing...

2004-08-24T16:23:00.000-05:00

I am officially enrolled at Collin County Community College District, attending classes at the Spring Creek and Allen HS campus as of Monday....
I don't know how, but I found three classes that were open today.
Unfortunately, I couldn't get them to fit neatly into two days of the week, so I have a class Monday through Friday. oi...
Last night, I spent all night picking out any class I would take to get my associate of science degree for the next two years, and today went through ALL of them.
Every last one was full except two of my electives and History (at the Allen HS).
So, Monday will be voice and guitar lessons, 10-10:50, 12-12:50
Tuesday is US History I 9-10:15
Wednesday is guitar 12-12:50
Thursday is History again at 9-10:15
then voice at 10-10:50 on Friday....
damn...
oh well
I'm excited about voice and guitar, and I actually kind of like history classes. : )

What else...
I went through an employment guide and am going to make some calls to do the brochure mailing from home thing, or getting a job at a post office.
It's pretty good pay, and the brochure job would give me the flexibility I'd like to do things...

Not too much else...
au revoir folks

I was warned...

2004-08-23T20:06:00.000-05:00

...and yep, pretty much every class is full AT EVERY CAMPUS.
But ya know what?
My dad is SO desperate for me to start this semester that he's trying to find out if ANYTHING is open (even if it's something I don't want or need), just so I'll be in it.
It's fucking pathetic.

So yeah...it was kinda stressful today...
not so much, but a pain all the same.
I got up, had to do badly on an assessment, get in a line I waited in by myself for over an hour, only to be told that all the classes I wanted were full everywhere and I was out of luck and blah..

That's about it for today...
I wanna see the Burden Brothers with Rachit.

toodles

mission: recovery

2004-08-22T17:33:00.000-05:00

So I got back from Arlington not long ago, and I'm pretty dehydrated..
I spent the weekend at Rachit's dorm, hangin with his friends and meeting a LOT of people...
it was craziness, but everyone was so amazingly friendly.
The experience there was actually good for me, because I'm not completely shutting out the idea of living in a dorm anymore...if it's that much of a convenience anyways.
Anywhosit...
the rooms were kinda ghetto though.
He told me it used to be an army barracks, but the bathrooms are absolutely frightening. lol
I couldn't be forced into walking in there barefoot
It's not a public one either...just...icky
like a cave.

Rachit and I had a bit of a tiff last night over something REALLY stupid.
I was finally going to try what's called a flaming dr pepper, but I didn't want to chug it in front of everyone, and do something stupid or blah, so after quite a bit of going back and forth over what we should do (he wanted me to do it in front of everyone, and I wasn't comfortable with it), we finally decided to take it to his room to do it (you have to do it over a sink), but then he got angry that I didn't want him watching me either.
When I finally got him not to, he was mopey, so we talked about it and it kinda bugs me that he wants to watch me do everything.
I did another in front of him though...and then one in front of everyone.
With that, I made a new record!!!
haha
nobody's managed to have more than 2 without puking...

I'm sure certain people are reading this and being very disappointed, but the way I see it, I'm living my life.
These are supposedly the best years of your life, and they don't jus thappen on their own.
YOU make them that way.

all that drinking this weekend made me dehydrated though, so I'm sitting here with a liter of water (my least favorite drink in the world), waiting for the world to stop spinning
just kidding....I'm just a little dizzy, that's all

Registration...
Tomorrow, we're calling marcus and getting my transcript so I can finish the application/registration process for CCCC.
I'm officially a student there by way of a contract to send in the transcript, but I haven't chosen my classes yet, or even seen a counselor for that matter.
One thing that's likely to hold me back though is the fact that I haven't taken the THEA, and know I'm not exempt by the ACT or SAT, but who knows about the TAAS?
I guess I'll find out when we get the transcript...

Supposedly my car will be fixed a week from now, so I can go out and get a job, visit Rachit (cause he's not coming back for at least a month), and just do stuff, including visiting ma peeps in the Flowerplex.

I think that's about it...
tata

Last night was fun...

2004-08-19T23:11:00.000-05:00

bah...
let's see...
Claire's moving tomorrow morning, and I'm really sad, but last night was really fun.
Hopefully, I'll see her when she visits, though I have no idea when that'll be.

Levi, Rachit, Ryan, Claire, and I all went to the lake to hang out and make s'mores.
The weather was great, but we were watching a storm come closer and closer.
It didn't hit us though till like 4:30 in the morning.
We "borrowed" a bunch of wood from a house near Ryan's, so we had a really nice (and BIG) fire for the ultimate s'mores.
Then we hung out for a bit and ended up going swimming, which got kinda funny, but it was Claire's last night for the most part, so we had to make the best of it. : D
I don't like I warmed up till about an hour ago, but it was awesome...
Then we just hung out and talked for lord knows how long.
The ride home was kinda stressful, but that's fine...
I hope everything's ok with Rachit, since we didn't even get to my house till 6-6:30am

I miss everyone...

Tomorrow, Melissa is supposed to be taking me to get registered...
I'm thinking math and english are the subjects of choice, but I don't know if I'll even be able to since I haven't taken the THEA and I don't have a transcript.
Not to mention, it's so last minute that the classes might be filled...

The latest plan is that if I don't have school this semester, when I get my car fixed, I might get a job in Arlington and stay there with one of Rachit's friends, paying a little rent, and go to bartendering school, getting a job doing that, and hopefully moving in with Levi by January, blah blah blah...

what else is there...
I'm not really sure..

I think that's about it
sorry, it's kinda lame..

I am very concerned about Cameron again though...

goodnight all who don't read this.

ya know what?

2004-08-17T16:15:00.000-05:00

I'm hungry

die ende.

coping? not happenin'

2004-08-16T20:58:00.000-05:00

I'm really getting tired of everything.
I've BEEN tired of it, but GUH.
Look at me complain...again.
What a surprise....
But hey, I guess my dad's got the family he's always wanted...
My theory is that he was so disappointed with the failure of a family he first attempted that he's decided to throw it all away completely and start anew.
Whatever.
Why couldn't he have waited till I moved out at least?
I'm not in this family.
I wouldn't even want to be.
They're weird and family oriented and FAKE.
Every day I hear Melissa yelling at the girls or Cynthia, but I hate it the most when she yells at or about Ashlyn.
It's just cruel the things she says or the way she mocks her pain or anything...just constantly hurting her...
Maybe it reminds me of me, but it pisses me off.

My car's not going to be finished for a while yet...
let's see..
he missed the birthday deadline to have it done
then the moving deadline
now he's missing the school deadline
but hey, it's ok, cause Melissa will take me, right?
yeah, EVERYTHING'S ok!
No no....I didn't WANT to have a life outside of school
no no....I didn't WANT a job or anything...

Yes, at first I was looking forward to moving, but that was with the thought that I would have a car by then!
But no....I'm isolated from anything!
I'm not in school, I don't have a job, therefor don't have money either, can't see my friends because nobody wants to pick me up, am STUCK with people I DON'T LIKE, and the only person I DO get to see is moving an hour away this weekend.

So this weekend is looking amazing to me...
really, it is
oh wait...
if you didn't catch that, it's SARCASM

Claire's moving to Oklahoma and I haven't gotten to see her in...in well, forever
two weeks, at least
I haven't seen Levi in a long time either (and am shocked by the events of late) and I miss him SO much....
and Rachit's moving to Arlington to start school...
So what'll I do?
hmm?
All I CAN do is wait around for my dad to fix my car

Until then, Rachit said he'll pick me up from time to time, but not just for a day or anything...I'll stay in Arlington for maybe a week at a time

I'm just really unhappy with my life right now
School's not figured out
I don't have a job like I wanted lord knows how long ago
and I'm living with people I really can't handle

What's a good thing in my life?
My room?
I have the chair in my room now, along with the little triangular table next to it
It's pretty pimp and comfy
I'm sitting in it now
hehe
my walls are spiffy, but my room is still cramped and bound to be a lot more so when I get a desk...

I NEED TO MOVE OUT!!

shoot me...please

It's getting old...

2004-08-13T19:30:00.000-05:00

...real old, real fast...
Today, I've finally reached that point of frustration where to want to throw your fist through a window, just to do damage to an object, yourself, and get your point across...
and usually that's the point when I cut...
I think I actually would have if I even had a razor.
It's gotten that frustrating being here

I'M TIRED OF IT!

BYE

I always wanted to be a bartender...

2004-08-09T13:20:00.000-05:00

Sure, it has its downsides, but it's also good money and an interesting experience.

I had a scare that I wouldn't be able to start this fall, so I decided to go to bartending school (two weeks) and get all certimafied and get a job doing that at nights, but I found out that I AM starting this fall, but I'm still thinking about bartending...
The only thing is that my dad won't support it, so I have to get a job before that so I can save like $500 to go to this school, but then when I get a job, it'd be pretty kickbooty cause I'd be able to save more for my trip to Seattle and/or move out.
I found a job that hires just about everyone and the minimum salary of $15 an hour...going up to $70.
Kick butt.
I wouldn't have to worry about being able to afford an apartment.
I'd definately be set.

Anywhosit...
I've got my room just about set up with all the shit I want on my walls...
the only thing missing is cable, a desk and computer, and the red armchair..

oh yeah, did I mention they're engaged?

The other night, I went to the lake with Rachit and Ryan and was pulled over twice just going down 2499!
haha
It was a hoot, but I got bitten up pretty bad again...

I'm so excited for tonight.
Rachit and I might be going to get some sushi for dinner, and then off to the recycled bookstore in Denton.
It's a shame that he doesn't like to read, but it was his idea since he knows I love it too much.
He's going to give it a shot, so I hope he maybe finds a topic that suits him and starts to enjoy reading.
I'm getting more into it again...I'm pretty excited.
I'm not quite to the point I used to be, reading all the time, but I'm getting better...I've read half of the Shining now
This will be the third time I've read it; I love it that much.

so...
what will I think of when I think of the summer after I graduated?
I umm....
went to some concerts?
went to boston
went on a tour with a couple AWESOME bands
did some partying
got a new boyfriend...
moved in with 4 strangers
spent time at home decorating my room, reading, or being miserable with the old maid

yep...
that's about it
unless someone reminds me of anything else..

ah yes!!
had amazing sushi!
yes, it's been on my mind a lot...
ever since I went to Oishi anyways..
I think I put crack in it so we're addicted.
Caniving bastards!!
mmmm...sushi goodness...

toodles

I never thought I could influence my sister in any way...

2004-08-05T23:23:00.000-05:00

Well...today was eventful, I suppose.
It was my dad's birthday, and I hope he enjoyed himself, but the first time I ever talked to him today, there wasn't even a hello in front of it, just straight yelling.
Why was I yelling?
I was ready to piss my pants I was so worried about my sister.
Today, while I was moseying around Kroger looking for a birthday cake with Melissa and the girls, my sister called in tears over what she said was everything in the world that was wrong with her life. It took me a long time to drag out what this "everything" consisted of, but when I did, I think I already knew what it was before that...
She and my grandma had gotten in a petty fight...she said it was the third they've had in the past year.
Now, to me, this is AMAZING for living with someone!!
Anywhosit, she hates fighting with her, and she's tired from working two jobs just to pay for her car and insurance, and she's tired of my dad never calling about anything but that, and she misses Dallas, so on and so forth...
Once she got into talking about Dad, she was so upset cause she figured he hated her or didn't care about her, but I had to step aside to tell her that it's not just her.
Hell, I can't even remember the last time my dad's called me.
He used to call me several times a day, now it's never.
It made her feel a little better, but she was still upset about everything (which I don't blame her)
Then the bad thing happened....
I never in my life thought that my mistakes would leave any sort of impression on her, but it did.
All of a sudden, she asked if cutting helped me, helped relieve the pain.
I tried to explain to her what it did for me, but told her not to, especially because she's unsure about it...
I mean, for a cutter, it just kind of happens.
At that point, she just started crying some more, told me she'd let me go and hung up.
I can't remember what point I got ahold of her again, but she was crying, trying to slit her wrists unsuccessfully, crying even harder because it would bleed...
I was so terrified when she just screamed that she wanted to die and hung up that I called my dad to talk to her for once cause I was worried about her..
Not too long later, I talked to Andrea again and she was ok and had talked to my grandma (not about what happened, but their fight), and I found out that my dad hadn't called!!
I tell him it's urgent and I'm worried sick about her and he didn't call until a few hours later!!!
WHAT A FUCKING PRICK!!

Anyways....she's ok, and that's the point, but that pissed me off...
I didn't realize she was only getting 5.45 at both jobs...
and she's got bills of about $700 with her insurance and car payments alone each month.
She's considering the possibility of moving back out here and moving into an apartment with me.
Here, she made $12 an hour at walmart.
Who knows...
I don't know what's going to happen as far as moving out...
When I am, who I'm rooming with, if I'm rooming with anyone at all...
bah...

That's all I had to say
g'night

the forgotten...

2004-08-02T23:11:00.000-05:00

...should be my name...

My dad has completely forgotten of my existence...
He's happy with his new family, I guess.
As Claire put it, he's treating me like I'm subhuman.
I don't get fed and they disregard anything I say.
Hell, they never even know if I'm home...
It's just a WHOLE lot of things building up inside of me that I already unleashed to a friend of mine earlier so I don't have it in me to put it in here, but it's just...
I need to move.
NOW
I'm tired of the yelling and just....it's not my family.
It's theirs..
When they got dinner tonight, they didn't even tell me.
I just happened to go out to the dining room (I was putting up posters in my room), and saw them all eating.
They finished it all.
I wish he had offered me some food (not that there was any) so I could be a smartass and say "no no...I wouldn't want to eat your family's food"
I so badly want to cause a scene with him and Melissa, but it hasn't come up at a time when the girls weren't around (which isn't likely to happen).
The girls don't deserve to be caught up in that mess cause it's not their fault, but they might feel bad at the things I say, so I won't start it in front of them...

onto other things...
recap of the past weekend:

Friday night, I went to a concert in Fort Worth with Rachit (that's how it's spelled by the way) where Odoyle Rules, Better Than Nothing, and Tree Phort all played.
I felt bad cause I was so tired and sore from the move that I didn't watch Tree Phort, which I wanted to see. I appearantly missed quite a show.
Though they were told not to remove their clothes, they did anyways and stuck a drumstick in one of the guys asses and lit things on fire and put things in bottles...just..
a bunch of icky things..
Rachit told me they were kicked off Warped Tour a couple years ago, which makes me think that it's not very cool of them to do that kind of stuff at an all ages show.

Anyways...after the show, he took me to a couple of the places in Arlington that he and his friends like to hang out, and took me back home where I fell asleep in the backseat of his car...

ya know what?
I already wrote about this
hehehe
I think I did anyways...

Well, onto Saturday anyways.
On Saturday, I was bored out of my mind, so I started putting stuff into the pantry since it seemed like it would never get done by Melissa or my dad...
Melissa didn't seem to like me doing that though
She said that she wanted to do that with my dad...
so much for doing something nice
I wouldn't want to screw up the pantry to the point of everything being ruined...
psh

After that, I got ready (GUH) to go to the concert with Claire..
Devon played his last show with Designated Johnny that night...
It's kinda funny cause Jimmy had called me to be there since he was going to be quitting after that night too (he didn't tell me at the time).
Once he found out that Devon was quitting though, he decided to stay, so the band isn't breaking up, but they are getting a new singer.
Rachit's freaking cause he might end up being the singer.
Over half of the band is cool with it so far. lol

Then we hung out at Ryan's house doing a whole bunch of nothiing..lol
I overstayed my welcome, but I was just so damned comfortable...
Then uh, Rachit and I went home...
damn them, they locked me out AGAIN

Ok, so Sunday...
uhh...oh yes, I went to the movies
A bunch of us went to see NApoleon Dynamite at AMC 30...
it was Paul, Jena, Alan, Brandon, Sarah, Rachit, me, Paul's roomate, and we ran into Scott and Erin while we were there.
After that was steak and shake...
then Ryan's house..
then Grapevine lake, which sucked ASS
then hmm...back home, I think

Then there was today, which was nothing...I just put my stuff back up on the walls...

I think I missed something of significance from Sunday night or something cause there are all sorts of emotions flying about...
I wonder what was going on with this rudeness I read of.

I can't wait to move out.
I've still been looking at apartments, and I found a nice one with 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms in grapevine for like $900
I'll have to talk to Shaye about what she wants if she even wants to do this...
and hell, I don't think I've even gotten the chance to mention it to Levi..
I wonder when he's getting back.
That guy's the shiznit and I miss him.

bah...
I think that's all.
for now anyways...
ummm
yeah

toodles

bye bye Flower Mound...

2004-07-31T14:02:00.000-05:00

So I'm officially a resident of Allen, Texas, living in a home I don't like with people that drive me crazy.

I can't believe how much they yell...
They say things to each other that isn't really all THAT god awful, but for the girls at their ages, it is...
Here Cynthia is calling the girls idiots cause they don't know what she was talking about when she was trying to get them to clean out the refrigerator, and then Lauryn started yelling right back at her, telling her to shut up and die.
It's just crazy how they are...so verbally abusive..

anywhosit...
I was so tired last night.
Our move lasted longer than we planned, going past the noon deadline and even having to do some more this morning, but I didn't help with that part of it.
Until last night, I hardly got ANY sleep for almost a week, but I think I made up for it entirely last night...except for the somewhat rocky morning...
I was woken up at 7 am yesterday morning to go back to Flower Mound and finish the move and clean, but we were there until like 4pm, so when Melissa and I decided to leave, we had to rush home through rush hour traffic, which you really can't do, then I had to take a 5 second shower with no hot water (our gas is off), and then Rachid was already there to pick me up! oi..
We went to a show out in Fort Worth where Odoyle Rules played, along with BTN and Tree Phort.
I was kind of miserable, all sore and icky and tired...
Rachid let me fall asleep in his lap when he went to drop me off.
He had already let me sleep in the back on the way home, but when we got to my house, he just climbed in the back with me.

He's a cool guy...
I'm somewhat confused though because he is continuously referring to me as his girlfriend, but he also realizes that Tyler is trying to get me back and accepts this.
So are we exclusive?
Bah?

Cameron has dropped off the face of the earth...
I tried calling him a week ago, but there was no answer and he never returned my phone call.
If anyone knows anything of him, I would greatly appreciate being told.

What else...
I'm still contemplating the idea of moving out...
One of the movers was talking to me about it and said that there were some nice apartments across from Collin County Community College that I could get a deal with if I talked to an older woman and mentioned that Kevin sent me.
I'm not sure what that means, but he said that I could get a nice 3 bedroom for $990 a month, which kicks booty.
I remember at Lantana, it was something like $1,270...I can't remember, but it was a few hundred more.
I'll have to check them out.

I need a desk and other stuff for my room and our bathroom
not that anything would fit in our bathroom.
I guess I was exagerrating though when I said there was no counter space.
When I measured it, there were clearly 6 inches on either side of the sink of counter.
WHOOPY!

anywhosit...
I think I'm finished.
I was just rambling for the most part anyways

tata folks

time flies when you're having fun...

2004-07-29T13:02:00.000-05:00

oh wait...

shoot me

and the countdown begins...

2004-07-26T22:48:00.000-05:00

we have to be out of here by noon on Friday, but I think we'll be gone by Thursday..
yar
I'm almost out of Flower Mound completely

haha
and nobody's here
Adrian's gone
Levi's gone
Claire's gone...
who else?
I dunno, but they're all gone, it seems

it's weird how many people are moving at the same time (nearly same day) as me

today has been a fun day of packing up my room, but I still have to finish that tonight along with my bathroom
it'll be fun...
tomorrow will be the rest of the house and the garage, which we've already got a head start on.
then, the move

well...that was the update

au revoir

I don't quite understand...

2004-07-25T20:19:00.000-05:00

...how I manage to attract the guys that are innocent and inexperienced.
It's cute and everything, but I still wonder...
That's all I'll say about that on here.
Last night, I went out with Rachid pretty late and hung out with a couple of his friends in Arlington. There was a little drinking involved, but nothing really. Guys are way too obsessed with porns. lol
I don't understand how someone could actually watch one and ENJOY it.
Sure, I can watch it and laugh my ass off and wonder what's going on in their heads, but I just...don't see how someone could get off to seeing some gross chick being banged by a guy with an abnormally large penis.

We're moving to Plano on Thursday...I hate the house with a passion, but I'll be really close to Rachid until he goes back to school for fall (UTA).
We went to look at the house yesterday morning, and I just started crying. I'm not even sure if it's the fact that the house sucks or other things on my mind that made me cry.
My dad hardly pays any attention to me anymore. He's got two new little girls to work with and bond with that can make him feel like he's in control again. The whole family thing is bothering me. I've never been part of a family that eats dinner together at a table, or eats dinner early in the evening cause my mom was out of town all the time and my dad worked late. I'm used to a kind of detached family lifestle, and now that Melissa and her family are here, it's eating dinner at 5 or 6, doing laundry all the time, being REALLY loud...just AHHH! I hate it. I hate having them around. I've actually got earplugs in and her voice still makes me cringe. Why must they be so loud? Eerything that's mine has become theirs. "Hey, let's play with Erica's stuff and break it" "YAY!" guh...
They were riding my bike today...my new red one. It made me so mad, but I don't know why. They're not really going to break it. It's a bike; it's durable. Maybe it's just the fact that it's mine or SOMETHING. I'm just bothered...
I'm moving into a house that I don't like in an area I don't know with people I don't know and I have no car...I'm so excited...

I miss my sister..
I did her wrong and I can't defend myself, but I want her to talk to me again.
A couple weeks ago, my dad decided to get a bug up his butt to call my grandma and say that he's going to take her car away since she's drunk driving.
My sister was asleep at the time, but somehow, I got a call less than 10 minutes after my dad called Sheri.
She yelled at me for telling him, breaking her confidence. I DID tell him when I guess I shouldn't have.
My dad and I usually have that ability to talk without him freaking out, but I guess that changed.
I hadn't even mentioned it in like a month, so it was out of the blue, but now my sister doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
Someone made a crack about the fact that we got sister tattoos and that I must regret having done it, but I don't.
She'll always be my sister, so I'll never have any reason to want that tattoo removed.

I'm thinking about moving out in the next 6 months myself.
I can't handle this family or house...I want out.
I know Shaye and Levi need to as well, so I'm thinking about proposing the idea of us all rooming to them. That'd be pretty cool...especially since we're so close as it is.
Rent split three ways is pretty nice too.
We just all have to get our feet on the ground with a job and transportation.

I need a lock for my door...

I can't wait until we settle in and I have a tv, dvd player, vcr, and computer all in my room and I can hole up there for all eternity..
I would never take the lock off
but I guess I need a lock to start off with.
When I checked the door, there was none...
that door's going...

FUCK IT!!!
I CAN'T HANDLE THE NOISE THIS FAMILY MAKES!!
BYE

I'm back for a week...

2004-07-22T13:51:00.000-05:00

We're moving into the house I don't want in less than a week...
God that was a fucking tease. ANOTHER ONE!
I'm really upset.
ya know what?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm that upset.

Anyways...
I got back from the trip last night...
Boy, am I pooped
I fell asleep at Ryan's house
how lame
: D

The trip kicked major ass.
All the shows went well (except for the one that got cancelled in Colorado Springs) and we had a lot of laughs.
I got to know everyone a lot better and see their good sides, but of course, with the good comes the bad, so I got to see what some people were like underneath.
There were some parties and such, and the last night was complete craziness with too much stress...but I'm trying to remember the good over the bad.
I'm kinda sorta seeing the trumpet player of BTN now too...
hahaha
everyone knows now, but I guess it's cool
Paul thinks it's cute...psh

I think I'll do an entry of all the funny things on the trip that I won't publish...so I'll always remember it
That, or get the videos.. HAHA! oh my...raunchy...

peace out yo

SCORE!!

2004-07-15T19:53:00.000-05:00

I just got word back from Jimmy that I'll be riding and staying with him and a couple other memebers of DJ
YAY!!
He even said it's cool that I've only got like $60 and that it'll be enough and not to worry about the hotel and such.
I'm psyched.
GO ME!!
I'll see ya next week!

things are going pretty well..

2004-07-15T17:06:00.000-05:00

let's see...
it's been a while, and I need to sit down and try to gather my thoughts enough to put them down in a coherent manner.

Well...I finally finished the breaking up process with Tyler. I had tried a couple of times, but he asked me not to, and I hate not giving people another chance, but in the past couple of months, there had not been any progress whatsoever. Once, when I was upset with him ( AGAIN), he admitted that he had kind of put me on the back burner, but I don't think I was ever even on the stove; I was somewhere buried behind the jell-o mix in the pantry.
After it was done, I did feel kind of bad, like anyone would, but overall happier. Once I was actually happy, Ryan had to go spill the beans about something that just irritated me. I wish I hadn't heard it and had continued going on, knowing that I'm better off without him (which I still believe). Anywhosit, what he said was that Tyler was already interested in Lauren Staples as of late, and that's why he was at the concert on Saturday and NOT talking to me. I think I was mostly irritated cause first of all, he went through with plans for her, when he pretty much never did with me, he drove past main street past 9pm even. It just bothers me...lots of things about him bother me though.
It's just that he should totally be mourning over me right about now. : D I was fine until he told me about that, which made me jealous of her cause she appearantly sees something in him that I didn't. bah..
Overall, I am VERY happy that it's over. It was over a long time ago

Other than that, things are going ok at home...
Cynthia can be annoying and a pain in the ass and the gils can be a handful, but I'm getting used to it for the most part.
I cleared out my closet and stuff for stuff I'm giving to goodwill. I ended up with several boxes and a couple trashbags of junk and old clothes.
We found an AMAZING house in Plano that I'm psyched at the possibility of moving into. Sharon said that we're the only ones going for it, but I dunno...I'm scared about being let down again. We don't know when the family in the house will be moving out, so we need to be in there by the 1st.
but...about the house...
It's beautiful, inside and out.
It's got a nice front yard with trees and pretty landscaping, and a nice backyard with a wooden playground for the girls and I think another tree back there.
My room (or what would be my room) is HUGE, along with a ganormous closet. Since the family still lived there, we got to see it while it was furnished and what they had in the room was a wueen sized bed centered along the wall, and it was STILL spacious. I'm absolutely giddy.
It's just that we need to be in there by the 1st, and we don't know when they're moving out, so I'm concerned.
We just were told that the other house (the one I REALLY don't want) is being offered to us. Melissa doesn't mind either way (though she PREFERS the two story), and that's cause her room is just fine!!
The other rooms are small, and the bathroom would be shared by 4 people, and it's itty bitty. NO WAY
And everything about it, but the kitchen just feels cramped.
BLARGH
I want the two story
Everyone does cause it's great in every last aspect.

ok...did I mention that Cynthia can be a pain in the ass? I thought I'd just reiterate that. guh

What else...
ah yes. I'm awaiting another phone call from Jimmy with an answer as to whether there's room for me in any of their cars. I was planning of having my car and driving it by this point if need be, but my dad didn't come through, so...arg
At first, I wasn't gonna go, but when I told them on Saturday, they got all upset about it and started telling me I should go, so...lol
I didn't think they wanted me to be there all that much, but since they do, I'll at least try.
I've only got like $60, so I could probably get away with helping pay for gas, but as far as shelter, I don't know.
I tried asking Adrian if I could borrow like $50, but he didn't have it, and nobody in my family has it in time.
If I can find the money, I could borrow it from Melissa or my dad to pay that person back, and then pay them back when I get a job, but grrr
Everything's just so unorganized, and they leave tomorrow.
I also need a guarantee that I'd be getting in for free since my budget is so small, I can't afford to be told last minute that there was a mistake and I have to pay.
As for food expenses, I figure I can go without for 5 days. lol
I've got reserves, so I'm not likely to die.

hmmm...I think I'm getting a little more tan...just barely. hehe
Claire and I drove out to butt-fucking Egypt to see Ryan at boy scout camp. That kid looks like a little cabana boy with his tanness and his blond hair and straw hat. Oh, how he makes me laugh with his ways....anyways...
it was fun. After sitting there sweating while the ants ate me alive for a couple of hours, we managed to steal him away from his duties to go out sailing on a catamaran. It was actually kinda fun when I wasn't afraid for my life. That's the first time I was out on a lake since sophmore year and I have to admit that the water did feel nice. On our way back to shore though, the wind died competely, so we were just kind of drifting. That put a damper on our plans to wind surf. Oh well...
That day almost made me want to be an outside person, but that might have just been the heat getting to me. : D

Let's see....what else..
I'm planning a trip to Seattle for Christmas, which will cost me A LOT of money. I'm going to be staying in the cheapest place I can find, which is like $50 a night, and the cheapest flight I could find all over the web was $264. I'm hoping to stay out there for two weeks, but it's most likely going to be one. What I'm going to be doing is doing the normal site seeing thing, checking out the campus I'm thinking about attending, and looking at apartments I looked up. What's kinda poohey though, is that I can't rent a car since I'm not 25, but it'll be more or else doable since there's always public transportation, which is surprisingly cheap. The only thing that's likely to be a problem is going to the apartments that aren't necessarily downtown.
Overall, I'm thinking that a two week trip there would be around $2000
A lot, yes? Indeed...

I got some pants and a couple of shirts yeserday. They're good stuff. : ) I'm trying to get out of my tshirt obsession, since I need to grow up a little for jobs and whatnot.
Plus, if someone asks you on a date, how many people are wanting to see a girl show up in guy's cargo shorts and a tshirt.
But I'm ok with the growing up thing. It's a part of life.

Oh! We got reported by a neighbor about our "dismantled vehicle."
It appearantly offended one of our neighbors that one of the wheels of my car has been off for a couple of days while my dad works on the brakes. He's been good about trying to be inconspicuous, but we think it's our neighbors to our right. They seem like uptight assholes. Anyways...the person that came out with the intention of giving us a citation only gave us a notice cause she's got two bugs, a baja, and a dune buggy, so we found a friend! haha
She even gave us her number to call sometime and offered us some help with our bug. That's the second person so far, and we haven't even been looking. : D

Well, I think I spilled enough, yes? Wie?
seldoot

I'm in love...

2004-07-03T17:37:00.000-05:00

but not with a person
no, that could never be
but a place
Boston
it's so beautiful
picturesque even
yes?
no?
YES!
it's gorgeous out here
so where should I move to go to college when I finish my two years of community college?
seattle?
find a place in boston?
denver/boulder?
WHERE I SAY??
all beautiful places...

anywhosit...everyone's moved in for a week now..
it's weird
that's all I have to say about that

dsl sucks my middle left nut
it has been off for three straight days now
it was going off for hours at a time every day or every other day
then all day
every day
then it's just never come back
for the past month, it's done this
so I say we don't pay for that month
that's a big ol' bucket o' bullshit

hmmm
what else...
still don't see Tyler too much
that, besides his age was one of the biggest problems
I didn't rank up high enough for him to bother to keep plans with me
the lake is more important
working on his car with Austin is more important
licking his neighbor's dog's ass is more important

but ya know what?
I STILL SUCK
I treat people like shit
and I know why, but that doesn't change anything
I'm always so jealous of everyone because I'm nothing
so I try to make them feel like nothing so that they won't realize how much better they are than me and leave

BUT...I push them away anyways with my insecurities
I guess I did what I wanted with Tyler, but now it makes me sad
hmmmmm

I'm stealing Josh's chair
yes indeed

and no, it wasn't a family reunion
it's just all the people that live in my house now
not my house,
but THEIR house
I just come and go from time to time
not really belonging to much of anything

this is interesting
I'm just sitting here, staring at the thermostat, not even looking at the computer, but I can still tell when I made a typo

that's kinda cool, I guess

is THAT my big talent?
whoopdydee

oh yes, so if the real estate agents stop being uber weird and we get the house I don't want, we'll be moving in July 28th

I NEED A JOB
AND TO LEARN STICK!!!

what should I do with myself?
I bother myself way too much
I need to separate for a while

I miss reading so much...
back in the day, you wouldn't see me without a book in hand..
even on my bike, riding home from school
I shit you not, I would read while I rode my bike
and stay up late, or all night entirely
and read in class
lunch
"recess"
dinner
ALL THE TIME

and I miss it
it was my miraculous escape from the world
and I enjoyed it so
so uh...
bah

I'm goin now
peace out

better-ish

2004-06-27T12:58:00.000-05:00

bah...I'm a bit better..
well, no, not really, but not quite so bitter...

I'm upset about the house of choice and that's all I feel like saying

jealousy's a bitch

2004-06-26T12:29:00.000-05:00

yes, I'm having a REALLY hard time coping with that.
everyone knows I'm jealous of everyone else's amazing talents or personalities
but ya know what really chaps my ass?
I'll be honest...
everytime I go out with Claire, I feel like dogshit compared to her
I hate EVER saying it outloud or writing it out because I know it's stupid
and I should "like myself for who I am"
BUT I FUCKING DON'T
it DOES bother me!
I could be having a great time with some guy and the second she walks into the picture, I'm forgotten in an instant, but if she's there from there start, I don't exist at all
I AM the fat friend!
Last night, it really did get to me that she got a free tshirt from a better tattoo
ok, hey, she's hot, let's give her one
they were even saying she's hot and such
sure, I go along with it
but ya know what?
I've been there tons of times
and gotten two tattoos there
I've given them my money!
oh, but no
I'm not hot enough
or funny enough
or whatever the fuck it is
FUCKIN A!
ya know what?
I'm finished
I bid you adeau

moving date upped

2004-06-22T10:56:00.000-05:00

Well, I might be moving in two weeks..or a little sooner.
The beginning of July
fo cheesy
We found a house and we going to sign for a six month lease, but the guy who lived there (the family got a divorce) is being a dick and spiteful and doesn't want to give it up though he hasn't made the payments on it.
Meh...the judge might make him, but this means that we're no longer guaranteed the house.
It's small...it's a two story/ 4 bedroom, but barely larger than the house we're in now, so all the rooms are dinky.

uhh..what else...
I have my license
FINALLY
I had mister grumpy gills retest me for my parallel parking, which went well.
Now we just have to get my dad's ass in gear to get my car up and running and teach me how to drive it before I kill him and use his life insurance money to either have it ficed up or buy one that's decent, running, and an automatic.
hehe

that's all
au revoir

college confuzzlement..

2004-06-17T18:23:00.000-05:00

OK..so I was getting more and more ocnfused there for a while, but it's going relatively ok as to what my plans are, but I know that as soon as it comes time to get my classes going, I'll be in way over my head.

When I was looking at the site for the University of Colorado at Boulder (where I'll be taking my undergraduate classes), I got mighty frustrated because it was saying that as a freshman, you have to live on-campus for the first year, which totally goes against the purpose of me moving out there: to save money. I had plans to live with my grandparents (or uncle and cousies) and go to CU at Denver, BUT the Denver campus only does the graduate courses for architecture and Boulder is at least a 45 minute commute. That made me think that we'd end up having to pay for housing anyways, but that's not so. I forgot that by that time, I wouldn't technically be a freshman, but a transfer student which no longer requires me to live on campus for the first year, which is a major plus. Cause if that was the case, I was starting to humor the idea of moving to Seattle to go to their university cause that would be kickass.

So here is the final (hopefully) plan:
I'll go to Collin County for the first two years to get the core classes out of the way and start preparing myself for the architecture classes (that I need to figure out)
then I'll move to Denver to live with my family for a year where I will be earning my residency, going to cosmetology school, and getting a job to save up some money.
The next year, I'll move out into an apartment in Boulder, start off with the money I save, and work at getting a job doing hair or something (or if I can't, just a normal job) and start off my first year. I really don't know how long it'll take me to get all the undergraduate classes out of the way because I don't know how the transferring of credits will work out and such, so that's questionable.
THEN I'll move BACK to Denver, either living with my family again (but probably by that time on my own), get another job and start on getting my masters at the Denver campus.
PHEW!
It's all so complicated and I don't know just how it'll work out. I really don't know how too many people would do this.
I see why so many people just go to one university. It's a hell of a lot easier.
Even with all that mess ahead, I'm so excited. I want these next two boring years to pass so I can move somewhere cooler and so close to family I absolutely love with all my heart.
I'll be able to see my cousins grow up without having to be bothered with them : P
guh
ARRIVE!!
*zooming time-warp sound thingy*
look out future, here I come!

mysterious?

2004-06-15T22:48:00.000-05:00

I always wanted to be mysterious...
I never wanted people to know what was going on in my life because I feel that I bitch too much.
Who couldn't love the people that are just interesting without going into what they're thinking or getting depressed or anything.
You never know what they're thinking...
Like Mona Lisa...
Playing Mona Lisa was a great movie
When I finally got to the point that I wasn't telling people anything, i ended up being more of a pain in the butt than anything.
And now I'm back to bitching.
I wish I could just listen and let people believe everything's going allright.
Lately, everything is going ok.
There is so serious problems, just little things.
The Tyler thing is the biggest, and really, when you think about it, it's not that much. I'll get over it

I feel like I'm growing up a little
Questions still linger as to what I'm going to do with my life, what my purpose is and such, but I'm also to the point where I've made the decision to just keep truckin.
I'm going to see what happens in my future, good or bad and live through whatever is tossed my way.
I'm excited for both.
Adulthood is right around the corner and though the responsibility of it all is a bit overwhelming and scary, it's...
I just feel like everything will be ok.
hmmm
goodnight again

not too much going on...

2004-06-15T21:48:00.000-05:00

I got a significant haircut (to me)
have blotchy moss-colored hair..
am comptemplating whether I want my next tattoo on my right hip or not
noticing that my money supply is dwindling a lot faster than I thought, and might not be able to afford the trip to colorado (but I really have no idea how much that would cost me)
I still have no license
and no legal car
umm...
I'm thinking a lot more about Colorado, even though that's still another two years away
am finding out that my dad thinks we should spend christmas apart this year, so am thinking of plans for that if i'm not working
hmmm
being confuzzled with this college thing, even though it's community college
I have to find out if the classes I would take would be compatable for the University of Colorado
looking forward to warped tour
am very confused about what to do with Tyler
looking forward to moving
just had some yummy quiznos
am very disappointed with someone I was growing less and less fond of anyways
am...tired?
worried about certain friends
ummm
nervous about meeting my possibly future step-sisters
I dunno
*burp*
yep
that about wraps it up
I'll continue listening to a great playlist I have on my computer. : )

job plotting?

2004-06-10T21:56:00.000-05:00

So I'm not quite available enough to actually GET a job yet, so I'm just hunting around at what's available (around Plano) and thinking of ideas.

I haven't had an ACTUAL job before with an actual paycheck, so I pretty much have jack shit to put on my resume.
So I'm 18 and what? I'll end up as a bagger? I think not.

I was thinking about data entry...I'm fast at typing, and it doesn't require too much thought. I've found a lot, but I just need to hope that it could fit my schedule.

Then there's day care...now that's something I have experience with:kids. I've been babysitting for 6 years and have had to babysit many kids at a time. The only thing is that you usually have to be certified for er...stuff? I need to go around and see what I would need to attain (and how) in order to be qualified for a job.

Hot Topic? Pretty crap job from what I hear, but the people are great and I wouldn't have to worry at all about my earrings or whatever I choose to do. Plus, I'm thinking the job hours could be pretty flexible as opposed to a set 9 to 5 job. hmm

Then there's being a bank teller. I hear it's pretty good and I could keep my earrings, but every place I saw required at least one year of experience handling money in large volumes.
BUT...who knows what the requirements are for the bank attachments in grocery stores. Maybe that's more flexible in work experience cause it's a smaller uh...thingamadoodle? I need to call James to ask him about it.

Onto Tyler...he's a crazy kid. He seems to think he's in love with me and said he could actually see marriage stemming from this relationship. No, I think not. We don't even do anything...I enjoy being with him, but his limitations are my limitations too. I'm at the age that I can see who I want when I want, but he won't even be able to be out past 11 on a weeknight legally for another year. How will that work when I move about an hour away? we'll see...

meh
I think I'm calling this finished for now.
au revoir

lazy summer?

2004-06-07T12:25:00.000-05:00

I haven't quite hit that point yet. Sure, I have some lazy half-days, but not a full day yet.
I've been absolutely LOVING the storms we've been having. It's miraculous. They cool everything down well too...

Well, because my dad broke his hand, we won't be fixing up my bug for a while...
and Melissa's in Florida getting her daughters, so when she comes back, she won't be available really.
There goes my license too.
Am I ever going to drive? I was so close.

Captain Crunch hurts your mouth. bad cereal, bad.

So I had an idea what to do for the Fridays we don't go to Ev's, but I can't really announce it per se.

I am so happy that Tyler's ungrounded now. Everything is going great with him, but sometimes I just wonder if I should be with him. bah

I've decided to go see how much my next tattoo will be and I want to get it ASAP. I can't help it! It's cool having something new.

poopy new hair...that's going back, but with a different do...possibly with bangs.
oh, and yes, I realize that it gets shorter when you cut it, which means it takes longer to grow it out. I'm not a fucking retard.

bah...Adrian wants to do something today and Tyler's coming over (if he doesn't all of a sudden have plans that he'd rather do).

ummmmmm
I really don't know what to say.
i'm always busy thinking, but when it comes time to let it out, I can't remember what I was thinking about.

good day

recap

2004-05-31T22:37:00.000-05:00

ok...so..
long time, no update

The past few days have DEFINATELY been hectic.
I'm a high school graduate!!! WEEE and I have the ADORABLE mini diploma to prove it.
let's see....
ok, so my sister got in on Thursday while Melissa and I were out shopping. We went out and had a blast at Cristina's, then off to a bar with dad and Melissa where my dad broke his hand because Andrea was smoking.
hmm
Mike came in the next day, and we uh...
ah yes, we went to Ev's.
Then...we went to the lake till 4 or 5 in the morning
next day: went to lunch with my grandma, went to Tyler's, had dinner at my house, then went out with Claire and Ryan and everyone to Oishi's, and back to Ryan's.
after THAT, Claire, Mike, and I all went out to the path by goatman's bridge, and I backed out, so we went to the lake to make s'mores after spending like an hour looking for a good place. We got back at around 5 in the morning.
Sunday: hung around my house ALL day for the barbeque and stuff with family, mostly in my room with Mike and Tyler. went to Tyler H's for his little get together for a bit. Then back to my house for the night, since Mike and I had NOTHING to do seeing as it was a Sunday night past midnight.
THEN today...went to Oishi again, had to wait on Tyler, was given five MILLION guilt trips, and graduated, then went on to Souper Salad.
Tomorrow, all I have to do is my hair. NOTHING ELSE
hmmm

I've had tons to say, but now it's so much that I can't get it all out.
Maybe I'll attempt it later
UPDATE YOUR BLOGS YOU LITTLE ASSMUNCHERS!

breaking off all ties...

2004-05-20T23:40:00.000-05:00

I've noticed that slowly and surely, I've stopped talking to most of my friends for the most part.
It's not like they talked to me anyways. Why should I bother?
Claire doesn't talk to me, and we dont' really talk at all. It's just..blah
Ryan and I don't talk too much.
uh...I talk to Tyler more. I DO like that kid. hehe
he's soon to be ungrounded
umm...let's see...
what else...
I dunno
I'm just tired of the pain I feel in my heart when I'm around my friends.
It's time to move on and past high school friends and foes.
summer's on it's way with lots of promise.
My sister's coming out and we're getting a tattoo.
I'm almost 18.
Mike is going to visit.
I'm going to Warped Tour.
Boston,
California with Designated Johnny and Better Than Nothing (it's confirmed for the most part)
Georgia to see Mike...
then moving
YAY

yes, that was my update
I'm happy
I want out of this
I'm still not quite happy enough with myself as I should be, but...I'm workin on it

seldoot

So this is how it feels to be happy...

2004-05-16T10:17:00.000-05:00

Sure, there have been happy moments, but I'm still not happy.
Yesterday, I was happy. I mean, truly happy. I wasn't moody, or mean, or insecure or afraid. I was me. And I liked it god damnit.

I spent most of the day at the merchandise table for better than nothing, harassing Paul. His brother was cool to talk to. I was having a fun chat about the young girls there with Tim too. haha Fun times overall. I even met Paul's parents. WOW Interesting folks. I finally got their cd!! (after having to get on the phone with someone I've never met and bitching them out for not being there yet : D) *burp*
I didn't hang out too much with people I know like Chad and the Kelly's. Every now and then, sure, but other than that, I was either by myself (which I tend to do at concerts anyways) or at the tables.
We had debates on a mike under the tent by the tables too. bah...good times, good times. Nobody was listening, but it's fun either way. It's interesting to hear other people's points of views spoken without sounding completely ignorant. You learn a lot of things yo might not have known in a debate too.
What else...I dunno. I just didn't feel like I was constantly being judged. They treat me well. No wise cracks here and there, though subtle they may be, they can do some damage. I didn't have to worry about hearing some asshole remark when I leaned over to get a tshirt or anything like that. I was...blissfully secure.

I didn't get to actually WATCH designated johnny play cause they asked me to run their stand. booyeah, I sold $165 worth of stuff in the time they played. Jimmy was so sweet. lol He's not a huge hugging type, but since I had to book it before he got back to the table, he came after me and gave me a HUGE hug. lol he wouldn't let go. It was so nice. Poor kid felt so bad having me work the table. I had NO problem with it. fo cheesy.

Designated Johnny and Better Than Nothing are doing a tour towards California this summer. Who knows? If the timing is ok, I'd love to follow them for it. : D How awesome would that be? That'd be a story to tell. I'm practically a groupy anyways. lol I was out there whoring the band to everyone, trying to steal their money away from them for some tshirts. Go me. With my mad skills, I managed to score 6 cds and a tshirt for $18. I got the better than nothing cd and shirt for $5. haha.
hmmm
what else...
nobody listened to me when I tried to get them off their butts and on stage for better than nothing. lazy-asses.

over all, it was a kickass time, and I would have missed out big time if I hadn't gone.
close one...

toodloo
da war meinen update für die Woche...like my crappy german I made up? go me!

I know I'm not the only one...

2004-05-12T18:12:00.000-05:00

I hate that paranoia as you walk through a hallway of people that they're laughing at you or talking about you. Only mine isn't paranoia. It's rational. They ARE laughing at me and ARE talking about me.
Every day there's someone putting me down, calling me fat, making fun of me for being ugly or big.
Walking down the hallway to the break room at Dale Jackson, there are always people sitting on the benches on either side, talking. I dread it, but my routine through that situation is to shut my ears and keep walking no matter what. That's why sometimes I don't react when people call my name.
Anyways, so they were laughing at me on my way to get a coke and I knew it, but I kept going. On the way back, I was already over it, since I blcoked my mind from it. No, then I'm hearing these girls in cosmetology (I hate them so much) going "there she is. look at her. doesn't she have a huge ass? just watch it while she walks! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
"there she is. isn't she huge? she must gobble up everything in sight. gobble gobble! HAHAHAHA!"
So right there, I want to break down and cry, but I'm having a dialogue with myself in my head going
"just keep going"
"but they're laughing at me"
"ignore them, just KEEP WALKING"
"I ought to say something"
"JUST KEEP WALKING"
"god, I could cry"
"SHUT UP ERICA, JUST KEEP WALKING!!!!"
it's painful enough knowing it myself, but I was trying to put it out of my mind like I usually do when Bryan comes up behind me and starts laughing about how he's not the only one who thinks I'm fat, mentioning the girls that were making fun of me too. Matt was there too, but he hadn't noticed until Bryan said something. Teasing doesn't bother him, so he didn't really care.

I really hate people. I've been in a poohy mood for almost a week now. I was in a psychotic mood today, wanting to rip the heads off of everyone in sight, and it showed. Anyone who said something I didn't want to hear today got bitched at horribly.
Ev's so tolerating...I really appreciated it today when he still stood up for me again Tyler, even though I was overeacting. He did it last week too when he was calling me a dumbass. He defends me a lot and it honestly helps.

I'm actually in tears with how unhappy I am with myself. This is the biggest I've ever gotten. I just want to starve to death. Yes, that's my death of choice if I wanted anythiing besides suicide.

Though I haven't done it since the night before Valentine's Day, the only thing keeping me from slicing my arms to ribbons is the fact that it's nearing the end of May with warm weather. No way of wearing a jacket or long sleeved shirt comfortably and arm-warmers aren't my thing. My family and friends will be out here, I've got two all day concerts coming up and I REALLY hate the nosey questions I get when anyone spots them.
I just wish ..guh

My dad's girlfriend is moving in, we're looking for 5 bedroom houses now. Why 5? Because her mom will be moving in too. He doesn't even want me to participate in looking for the house, cause appearantly I don't matter. We were moving to Plano for a particular campus I'd be going to school and my dad would be closer to work. Now he's looking at Frisco. No, he DOESN'T care what I have to say about that either.
I hate that someone has always been above me in his eyes. Everyone's more important.
It's unbelievable how much I care about him, and though I only notice it sometimes, those times are just...crazy
Every time I've contemplated suicide, the only person that came to mind was him. I didn't care if anyone else was sad, cause I'm still not convinced they would be. I could always just see my dad when he found me, or the cops told him, or a friend told him...anything. Seeing his face at the funeral.
It tore me to pieces, so I'd always back out, or put a little less oomph behind the razor.
It hurts that it seems that I've never been that important to him. I can't say I know that it's mutual.

so...I'm done.
I'm tired of talking.
fuck you if you judge me.

In the end...

2004-05-09T02:47:00.000-05:00

Will the fate of dear BeeBee be the same as my own in a few years?
Will I go unnoticed because my problems don't stick out so much?
I'll die alone on a rooftop by a drug overdose or something to that affect.
Nobody will know till I'm dead.
You don't care.
Don't even try to act like you do.
You put on a face because you're obligated to as a human being, but what makes you think that?
Who says you're supposed to be a good person?
Maybe it's worse to ACT like one when you're not?
It's fine, really.
I wouldn't care about me either.
Hell, I have problems caring about anyone.
You passed out? hmmm i'll keep eating my chicken
you're seeing angry shadows? interesting...
I just can't fake it when I need to.
I've lost it
I've lost my heart and I'm losing my mind more and more each day
I hate the world, yet I want to be a part of it in my own way
God how I loathe the human race
How could I BE one of you people?
FOR GOD'S SAKE HOW????
I have no reason to be.
To be an architect?
To design houses for other people and live my lifelong goal?
too bad it's not my lifelong goal
I have none
my lifelong goal is to make it to death
how does that make sense?
it means I don't break before that point and lead an even MORE miserable life between then and my sweet release
why won't it come sooner?
someone sure hates me
I know it
I complain so much
why WOULD you care?
I'd be tired of hearing it and you know what?
I am too
but it's me
which makes it all the worse
time to go lie awake for the rest of the night haunting myself with my thoughts

you children have fun though
go do whatever you do without me and have a GREAT time
or..piss off
hmm
suggestions? comments?
guess not
bye

boot to the head

2004-05-07T08:04:00.000-05:00

appearantly I didn't hit my head enough to make my brain not function...

I need a labotomy
tear out my brain
I think I'm insane

amazing, eh? ah yes, I'm amazing to have come up with that. so creative.
guh
actually, I think it's from a song, but I can't quite place it.

I DO need a labotomy though.
I hate the way I see things, events, and god-forsaken PEOPLE.

hmmm time to mention Mike in here cause he should know I love him. he's the fo-cheezy easy greasy shampoo.
but nooooo the conditioner's better
nooo shampoo's better
it leaves you're hair all CLEAN..

all done
that's a rap
oh shit
back to school... : (

off by a couple of days...

2004-05-03T01:09:00.000-05:00

but happy birthday Andy...
awww
damn me
I've been waiting for it too

I love you man!!

initiating break-up sequence...

2004-04-30T17:16:00.000-05:00

and it actually hurts.
maybe I'm not paranoid enough appearantly....
I thought being a not jealous person was good?
So I should TRY to be more controlling and possessive?

what? is it not self-explanatory?
I suck is all

I'm going to burst

2004-04-29T22:51:00.000-05:00

at the aspect of seeing both my sister and Mike...at the same time!!!
I'm just insanely giddy
Just watch...it'll be on my mind day and night until they finally get here
oh the things we have planned
it should be a blast!!!

and I laugh...

2004-04-29T21:57:00.000-05:00

Which 1990's Subculture Do You Belong To?

[Another Quiz by Kris
@ couplandesque.net]

src="http://www.bbspot.com/Images/News_Features/2003/01/os_quiz/amiga.jpg" width="300" height="90"
border="0" alt="You are Amiga OS. Ahead of your time. You keep a lot of balls in the air. If only your parents had given you more opportunities to suceed.">
Which OS are You?

Take the quiz: "Method of Suicide"

Mutilation
You have come to terms with your demons and wish to see yourself bleed. Your method of suicide is Mutilation.

Which Rock Chick Are You?

though random it may be....

2004-04-26T19:17:00.000-05:00

as I stared at the screen, I noticed one small circle of reflectiton I could see...
a rose
my white rose is the only thing being shined upon by the sun, making it visible in the screen

an amazing kodak moment that I thought I should share

and I weep...

2004-04-26T17:44:00.000-05:00

at the absence of my once long hair

the decision has been made

it's coming back

and the awards go to...

2004-04-25T00:20:00.000-05:00

Ryan, Tyler, and Mike for winning my acceptance and gratitude.

There are those that might be great people, but can NEVER make me feel accepted the way they do.
hmmm
you lose

well fuck me...

2004-04-24T12:47:00.000-05:00

and fuck you too

i'll be happy to be rid of you all

Wonder is the first step to wisdom..

2004-04-21T17:41:00.000-05:00

or was it the first step to insanity?
I hate how I look at things
Looking from too far out of the picture is dangerous.
Why can I not focus on daily life like most and just go at it day by day?
no, I have to consistently wonder why our existence well...exisists?
Every day people go to work or school to either learn how to make stuff or sell stuff people make to do actually do such. What are you selling? Things necessary to survival, along with some added accessories. That's you're whole life. People dream of having a certain career fueling someone else's existence. That is your whole life. Existing. but for what purpose?
It's overwhelming when you think of it that way. It makes me want to drastically speed up that whole dying process.

I really need to talk to someone, take some drugs or something...just a quick fix to keep me from being myself and thinking the way I do. It's not just the way I think of life, it's the way I think about society and myself. GUH!!
Put me out of my misery!!

I hate that I know of lies that I actyally believed for a long time that were my own. What I feed off of is bad...and that needs to be fixed. with a nail and hammer

I just feel all kinds of unhealthy

bye

can't hardly wait

2004-04-20T23:58:00.000-05:00

to be quite honest, I'm tired of my friends. I'm looking forward to graduation, moving, and starting anew. I'm sick of feeling inadequate and left out. I hate that intense pain that sweeps over me and steals my breath away when I hear about all this fun people are having without me. "Everyone was there" "We called everyone" blahblah...I hate wondering when I'll be considered part of that everyone. Anyone I induct into this little clan or introduce to people are part of it sooner?
am I not fun enough?
not confident enough?
not cool enough?
not talented enough?
not funny enough??
well??
what is it?
what can I do to earn your love and a place in your memory?

nothing
So I'll stick to my cool little club consisting of myself. I'll stick to Tyler too. That kid has really worn on me.
Everyone else I'm growing tired of though.
I never feel good when I'm around them.
I never do period.

soo...great news. My dad seems to think he's found the one this time. He's suspended his membership to the online dating service he's a part of based on one date with a woman named Melissa. He's infatuated with her. He's like a teenager cutting into any conversation no matter what the topic to talk about how much they have in common or how much he likes her. He was talking about marriage and how I would feel about it.
Of course, when I answered with honesty, he was upset.
Why would I like her when I never liked MY mom?
I have never really had a mother present in my life and I don't want to start now.
I don't want a new authority figure
Not to mention, she has two daughters the age of 9 and 12.
Sisters are NOT what I have in mind, much less YOUNGER sisters.
He got pretty pissed at me.
I don't care how nice she may be...I don't want to have to go through such an ENORMOUS transition.
I FUCKING REFUSE!!
He hardly pays any attention to me as it is. And what if THREE new females were added? What then? I don't want to be around children still going through that...nor do I want to see them have to deal with my dad the way I did...only harder. They have a dad. I'm sure they wouldn't be happy about it either.
I'm a kid. I'll admit I'm immature and selfish, but I don't want to go through that stage (or witness it) when I've just managed to pass mine.

I'm cold and tired.
you don't care about me and you can't deny it without lying. "No really...we'd be sad. for five minutes until we forgot. Who was she? oh right...she's that person who insisted on being a presence at our social gatherings"

so
I wish you a goodnight with the usual
goodnight
and die

I...am a drone

2004-04-18T13:59:00.000-05:00

Ich bin sehr sehr sehr sehr SEHR schlafig. I got home just past 5am and was awoken by the quite confusing sound of my phone going off. It was Levi calling to see if he could have my scarborough fair ticket. *sigh* I've never been and never will I suppose. They didn't want to wait just one day...nooooo had to be Saturday.

Let's see...Friday was fun. Chad met Jessica, the new love of his life (another?) and we went to see Avril Lavigne at the mall. Hot Topic FINALLY had the plugs I had been drooling over for a long time...yeah, a week after I spent $20 on a simple pair of earlets. guh
We went over to Shaye's and they played with hair while I cut Chad's. It looked SO fantabulous!!! Overall that kid lost about 5 inches that night, but it looked great. hmmm what else...oh yes, I caused myself massive amounts of pain trying on some ghastly shoes that turned out to be the same height as my others.

What was yesterday....I know it was something of importance, but what...?
oh right!! PROM!!!
What I've been telling everyone was that it was more fun than I could have ever imagined...and it was. It was my only senior prom and I like it that way. It was amazing. I thought I'd have a pretty good time, and I did, but different than I imagined. I threw away my insecurities for the night and danced the night away. : P I wish Tyler was there though...I felt kinda sad without a date. I was so excited to see everyone all dressed up. How often does that happen, I ask you? It was just...amazing.
By the time project celebration rolled around though, I was back to my old, insecure self. Ryan and Sam were busy together, Claire didn't show up till late, Tyler and Renee were there. I was just...there. I think I sat in the same spot for over an hour just watching people. I got my portrait done. The guy who did it was so great, but sitting up on the ministage in front of people made me freak out. I was just sitting there, clutching my shirt and biting my lip.

There's lots, but I am POOPED

phobias...lots of em

2004-04-15T21:26:00.000-05:00

It's interesting how many different phobias I had never heard of.

I have my one list of fears, some more than other....I'll go alphabetical in two lists. The major and the minor fears.
okey dokey

Bees- Apiphobia or Melissophobia
Choking or being smothered- Pnigophobia or Pnigerophobia
Criticism- Enissophobia
Crowded public places like markets- Agoraphobia.
Crowds or mobs- Enochlophobia, Demophobia or Ochlophobia
Decisions: making decisions- Decidophobia
Deformed people or bearing a deformed child- Teratophobia
Deformity or unattractive body image- Dysmorphophobia
Disorder or untidiness- Ataxophobia
Ignored, being- Athazagoraphobia
Imperfection- Atelophobia
Lakes- Limnophobia
Lockjaw or tetanus- Tetanophobia
Loneliness or of being oneself- Eremophobia or Eremiphobia
Loud noises- Ligyrophobia
Love, falling or being in- Philophobia
Mirrors or seeing oneself in a mirror- Eisoptrophobia
Mobs or crowds- Demophobia, Enochlophobia or Ochlophobia
Needles- Aichmophobia or Belonephobia
Nudity- Gymnophobia or Nudophobia
Odor, personal- Bromidrosiphobia, Bromidrophobia, Osmophobia or Osphresiophobia
Operation, surgical- Tomophobia
People in general or society- Sociophobia
Pleasure, feeling- Hedonophobia
Rape- Virginitiphobia
Self, being alone- Autophobia, Eremophobia, Eremiphobia or Isolophobia.
Self, being dirty- Automysophobia.
Self, being oneself- Autophobia.
Self, being seen or looked at- Scopophobia or Scoptophobia.
Social (fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations)- Social Phobia.
Society or people in general- Anthropophobia or Sociophobia
Speaking in public- Glossophobia
Stage fright- Topophobia
Strangers or foreigners- Xenophobia
Touched, being touched- Aphenphosmphobia, Haphephobia or Haptephobia or Chiraptophobia
Ugliness- Cacophobia.
Undressing in front of someone- Dishabillophobia
Wasps- Spheksophobia

Blindness in a visual field- Scotomaphobia
Body odors- Osmophobia or Osphresiophobia
Bums or beggars- Hobophobia
Buried alive, being or cemeteries- Taphephobia or Taphophobia
Inability to stand- Basiphobia or Basophobia
Insanity, dealing with- Lyssophobia.
Insanity- Dementophobia or Maniaphobia
Joint immobility- Ankylophobia
Materialism- Hylephobia
Old, growing- Gerascophobia or Gerontophobia
Responsibility or duty, neglecting- Paralipophobia

that's about it...yep
I can't remember today..
much of anything really
my head is making sounds and I have something to do, but I don't know what
did I have homework?
did I have plans?
uh...
I'm going to go put my head to rest with a nice hammer
love yas

way harsh...

2004-04-14T20:56:00.000-05:00

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	81.7% Never taken out of the packaging	65.1%
Shamelessness	76.2% Has yet to see self in mirror	79.4%
Sex Drive	84.2% The Pope is envious	77.7%
Straightness	17.9% Knows the other body type like a map	45%
Gayness	37.5% At least one weekend of ecstacy	83.6%
Fucking Sick	82.3% Refreshingly normal	90%
You are 63.43% pure Average Score: 72.7%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

Make up your fucking mind...

2004-04-14T19:46:00.000-05:00

Prom is looking shitty...
Tyler can't go and it truly is my fault...
Claire is being a butt and backed out AGAIN
If I hadn't already gotten my dress, I probably wouldn't go.
Why you ask?
Ev and Shaye
Sam and Ryan
Tyler and Renee (I think?)
Michael and Lindsay...
everyone has a pair, be it friend or significant other
who do I have?
I wanted so badly for Claire and Tyler to go, but no...
Adrian's going, but he's not the type of person I want to be around all night for prom
I love the guy and don't mean I don't, but not for that occasion...
Whatever
I really am pissed
Just say no from the get go, not yes, no, yes no.
Fuck you for toying with me
and I'm saying this to you, not my blog

Last night I was talking to Mike about childhood.
Was I the only one? I won't believe that because I know it to be false, but still...why was I such an unhappy child?
I had no friends, many a bully..
I was afraid to leave my own house because of the bees/wasps and the kids on my street
My parents treated me like a dog
They were too harsh
grounding a 5 year old for a month? yeah, that's a year to a kid that age...especially when you can't even read yet
They occasionally hit...not cool
They punished me for everything they couldn't punish my sister for
it really did suck
and then I was getting better...then someone else screwed me all up

I was thinking about this because when the girls and Lisa were over for Easter, I saw the way they treated them and it reminded me of those days. Those memories weren't fond either. I can't think of too many GOOD childhood memories.
Except for the field of flowers..two of them, but one was through the woods...ooo
but it's gone
both of them

My dad and Lisa were just barking orders at them, threatening them for anything they did "wrong" If they didn't say please and thank you (no matter how polite they sounded), they were threatened a spanking and no egg hunt. What? Alexandria got screamed at for having her feet on the furniture
but it was an ottoman?
My dad was yelling at Alycia (a 3 year old) for not sitting up to dinner because she was falling asleep (and full).
He also yelled at Merceves for bopping him lightly on the cheek while they were roughhousing. I could just feel the way I did in those situations and I hated it.
It was so belittling
You're having a great time, and in a flash, bam, boom, they're pissed and the moment has been soiled in your mind.
This summer at six flags, the girls were tickling me too much and then my dad came in (REALLY too much...I couldn't breath, therfor couldn't talk). To get him to stop, since I couldn't get him to, I bit his arm (not even a bit, but a nibble for attention), and he slapped me. He slapped me in front of my cousins and uncle standing there in line fora roller coaster because HE wouldn't stop. It would have been a good time had he not overreacted. Now that memory is just of him making me cry.

I hated being a kid and I hate being me now

On to the present...school is really getting old. I'm just too tired for it, but I know I have a lot more to go.
At lunch, I was really creeped out by Jeff (ASSHOLE) staring at me and smiling sadisticly no matter how many glares I shot him. He knew I saw and only continued. It was scary. I'd have to say that he's the only guy I'm actually afraid of.
I have reason to be too
If you know who he is, you would shit your pants too if he did this stuff to you.
He's such a dick

besides that uh...I miss Tyler. I feel bad for him being grounded and just...guh.

hmmm

enough

seldoot

belch

2004-04-12T11:03:00.000-05:00

mmmm... we finally have food in our NEW refrigerator. Well, it's not new, but it's better than our last one. It's my grandparent's old one they gave us for free.

I love days when I home alone...
Well, not when it's like that all the time, but I love it when I'm sitting there in boxers and a t-shirt, munching on cereal, and listening to whatever music I like however loud I like. : )
Better Than Nothing kicks any monkey's ass. I need to get my dad to burn it so I can return it to Claire. She misses it just as much as I would.

Over the past couple months, I've realized how out of touch with my emotions I am. I feel bad with what I catch myself saying or doing that's just so..not nice. I'm not compassionate or sympathetic. I've gotten pretty heartless and cold.
Along with that, I keep getting Tyler in trouble, and I practically tell him to quit bitching. He's been grounded for a few months now, and I hardly get to see or talk to him, which makes it hard. There was a period of time where he would at least call me in his closet late at night, which actually helped LOADS. Then that stopped, and I had him call me the other day when things were already kind of dicey with him and his parents, and he got caught. guh...
At lunch, he was screaming about it (LITERALLY screaming), and I kept yelling at him to stop because the sound of it just drove me mad.
I bitch a lot to him, and I can handle it when he wants to, but not that screaming...god, not the screaming.

That's the last time I saw him because of Easter break. Now I don't know if he'll be able to go to prom, which is this Saturday.

I'm pretty excited about it.
I finally got Claire to say she'd go, but lord knows if she'll ever get up and get a dress herself.
I got meself a dress and shawl. *hums*

Easter...this is the first year the Easter bunny didn't arrive...awwww
My sister's almost 21 and she got one. lol (easter basket)
oi..so sad.
My dad invited his friend and her daughters over no matter how many times I said I didn't want to. I knew what would happen, and I was right. I had to do a buttload of last minute cleaning, when they got there, I was FREAKING OUT about meeting them...I mean, sweating, panting...I was going to hyperventilate or something. And of course, I would be the babysitter. My dad insisted that it wouldn't happen, but he can't decide whether or not the girls would like me and keep me occupied the whole time they were there...well, they loved me. All three of em. I got a whopping $10 for putting up with it. I knew they would end up in my room at one point to at least see it, but I dreaded it (with good reason too). They followed me in there when I went to get the dress to show Lisa, and it went downhill from there. We spent over an hour going through my mard gras beads, answering the "what's in here" questions for any box or drawer in my room and closet. OI It was quite the handful.

Friday...I didn't write about that. I was in a weird mood. I was I dunno..just kind of detached, I guess. I was enjoying the peace and quiet of sitting alone, watching the lightning, promising a good storm (and it was). It was so pretty. Chad was so kind as to label me as being depressed ("like him" because I appearantly do anything that's my own...). jiggy
I was still pretty ticked at Claire (still not happy). I don't like being ditched repeatedly. oi...I was in a fit later that night. I just wanted to punch my hand through a wall or something, but didn't...Ryan called just past midnight with a surprise he had left in a bucket on my front porch. haha. I looked out there and INSTANTLY, I was all giddy. He found a frog while he was dropping off Sam. I measured it from head to toe as just over a foot. It was amazing. I had every intention of taking tyler up on his offer to give me a 40 gallon tank he had a snake in and keeping the frog. My dad would have thought it was cool too. I left it back out on the porch in that 5 gallon bucket with the lid on securely. When I went back out at 9 in the morning, it was gone. It's not like the frog got out on it's own. The lid was just sitting on the bucket, and it was gone! I was so sad (still am). Poohey mood for the rest of the day. There was just nothing going on, the anticipation of company the next day, guh....

As for today...there's more shopping to do. I need to get some shoes and a choker for prom. I'm heading out with Ryan later.

hmmm...It occurs to me that the weather has been like this for a week now. Glorious!

I don't know. I'm in another weird mood.
shame
pity, even

toodleseldoot

beautiful weather makes for a beautiful day

2004-04-06T23:12:00.000-05:00

This is the best day I've had in a good while. By animation, I had declared it a "I don't give a shit about anything" day. It was miraculous. Nothing could get me down

I got my cap and gown stuff. Finally, my little hat and tassle!! I've always wanted one. They're so fun.
I'm excited about the next chapter of my life...moving past high school drama.
It's retarded

Speaking of high school drama...
Chad, don't be a retard. I'm serious. I find out you do that again, and you won't be lucky enough to get only a verbal thrashing, but you'll get a beating too.
Darn tootin

This weather was so amazing. Claire and I walked in the rain after I had some AMAZING quiznos. mmmmm On top of that, I found a cool spider!!
And we hung out over at Ryan's...

Let's see...what else...

Bryan and I made up. lol We had so much fun on the bus. Mad-crazy fun. This guy was being weird and kind of annoying saying that we were too close (he was kinda laying on me), but I dunno....
Katie's like, in love with him, nobody what he tries, the poor guy.

uhh...I dunno...
I just wish I could be this happy every day.
Actually, I take that back
If every day was like this, then how would I know to appreciate it?
Ok, so I wish it happened more often. Too many days go by without a true happy moment.
Although last night, a glance at the moon AMAZED me. oh my god...it's beauty was astounding.

oh, I'm too giddy

I'm so bubble today

it's a shame that Tyler misses my good moments

good night all

frustration is the word of the day

2004-04-04T14:21:00.000-05:00

Claire is in eternal slumber...again.
I'm getting pissed off to be frank.

My head is going to split in two. It's been getting steadily worse since I first woke up at like 7-ish.

Ryan and I are going shopping for prom dresses without Claire today because she's being a whiney lazy-ass.
I didn't want to buy one. I don't think my dad has been listening to why either. I wanted one that's my own, plus it's hard to find things in my size, AND
this is what I hate the absolute MOST
GOD DAMNIT
do they not believe in fucking sleeves!!!
Really...who wants a fat girl wearing a slinky dress that's not flattering, showing off her huge arms and back.
FUCKERS
You will die
But yay...I get to buy one anyway cause my dad doesn't give a rat's ass.
He hasn't even taken me anywhere to look at fabric, or look for a seamstress, or look for a dress. He hasn't participated in anything but turning me down on my ideas.

I'm going in for a psychological assessment, which is a good and bad thing

fuck it

I'm leaving

die, the lot of you